The saga goes on and on and ON.. WHY??

What started off as an amazing talent show for brilliant singers is now going on as an never-ending saga! I'm talking about Airtel Super Singer. Season 1 was in 2006 and Season 2 was for kids under 12, in 2007. I started following the show on youtube in 2007, as I heard Krishnamoorthy and Vignesh croon away in the finals for the juniors. When I got to know that there was some good-hearted soul who was working over-time to upload the videos of Super singer 2008 on the net, I began following it every week right from the auditions of 4000 odd contestants in Chennai, Kovai, Tiruchi zones. I saw how Mahathi, Mathangi and Srilekha called Ravi's singing "flawless".. how Raginishri wept in one of the auditions with Deepen Chakaravarthi even after she was selected.. and even Chinmayi asking the camera man to get out while she was crying. All of that was earlier on in 2008. It finally came down from 4000 to 60 to 20 contestants by mid August 2008. And oh my God.. its been at that stage ever since as the contest for the final super singer is going on.. and well its March 2009, and there are still 6 singers left. I understand that the super singer really needs to be "super".. has to surpass several rounds of screening and testing. But this is like stretching the reality show to another remake of "Kyonki Saas bhi...."It never ends. The producer of the show, I guess, is thinking of this as the hen that lays golden eggs. He/She is trying to make as much money as possible.. wat with the high TRP ratings and the amazing viewership. But I think this needs to be in moderation. It gets annoying if the show does not move on. You've seen the top 10 singers show their versatality in different rounds. And just when you think its moving ahead and in 10 weeks hopefully you will know who the super singer is.. they have a recall round.. first to be judged by the contestants itself.. and the next week to be judged by a panel of judges. And eventually the people that got eliminated come in.. only to be eliminated sooner or later. I know its rather mean on my part to say this.. but that is really not my intention. Its just annoying to see that the show is stuck with no significant happenings. Its going as slow as an inebriated turtle that decides to rest after taking 2 steps!! Not to forget the masala that the producers are adding to it.. Oh did I forget.. its a REALITY show.. ofcourse it has the masala. But please have mercy on the viewers and the contestants and let this show move on a little faster!! A few sensible people who have realized that a lot is lost with the never-ending saga that this show is becoming, have quit. Chinmayi who was the hostess of the show quit early January saying she had to focus on other things.. primarily her singing. And last week, it was a contestant Rohit. He said he had to get back to his academics and his attendance was at stake. Yes, he could have said this earlier and could have given up his spot for another contestant.. but who can blame him. Its the first quarter of 2009 already, and we have no hopes of knowing who the super singer is going to be until summer probably! Or maybe even that is very early for the crew at Vijay TV. I actually pity the contestants and the judges.. I'm guessing atleast a few if not all will be dying for this show to end.. so that they can get on with their lives!
Please dear producers.. get the show moving on. Get to the finals. The juniors are waiting for the auditions for airtel super singer 2009. Have mercy on dumb viewers like me.. who'd rather crib about the show.. than quit watching Ravi, Vijay, Prasanna, Renu and the others croon away!

2008 Recap - Welcome 2009

As the new year begins, I want to make a small recap of my life the past year.
Lab wise.. no complaints. Got done with the quals which I've been postponing endlessly. It doesnt seem to matter in any way now that I've completed it, but until u finish it.. its always sumthing that keeps nagging u. U just feel kinda stuck.. and not finishing it makes u postpone a whole load of other important stuff.
The past year.. I've had several chances to reflect on my thought processes and my priorities. Its been quite revealing. I've had the help of the upper hand to set lotsa things right. Notions on people and places have been corrected. I've been proved wrong twice. And I'm quite thankful for that. I thank Her for setting things right and showing me the way things ought to be done. I recollect soulful prayers and heart-warming responses. My outlook on a bunch of things has changed. I'm doing sum things which I never thought I'd do in my life. The best part is I know I'm being monitored and that for some and every reason makes me feel secure and safe. Thankyou dear for that. Ok I dont intend to make this post a soulful journal entry.. but again I had to give thanks where it was due. And so here it goes.. I close my eyes and mutter a hugeeee heart-felt thankyou! :)
Newyear's eve was great. Had a blast with my near and dear friends who seem like family.. now to think of all the years I've spent with them. A few of 'em will enter into a new phase of life this new year and I had a chance to wish them the very best. There was a streak of emotionality in me as I realized wat an important part of my life they have actually been for hte past few years and months. Life would obviously be a void without the joy and fun and smiles they bring in me.

I am happy with the way 2008 shaped up and ended and I have small and big dreams for 2009. I will keep jotting 'em down as and when they unfold.

hmpf..

And yes.. just when the balloon starts flying.. there will be these few spoilt sports who'll just want to prick it and deflate it and not let your happiness last even for a few minutes!
Wat jackasses!!

Enjoying the small things in life

Aroma therapy Tranquil mint, My neww scrabble board, enjoying Reethigowlai at its best.. Lab wish lists - 2 conferences, FINALLY will get done with quals after years of postponement, 2 sets of transgenic mice, a few most-wanted viruses in the making.. All of this is bringing cheer in my life.. not to forget christmas and the new year is just around the corner.
Finally one of those days where the small things that usually wud be insignificant adds a smile to my face! :)

Within Attraction

I am yet to find the perfect superlative to describe the feeling I get every single time I listen to this song. I just absolutely loveeee this composition. It's sumthing I've grown up with. I can't remember ever studying for an examination without this song, and infact the whole album "Yanni -Live at the Acropolis" crooning away in the background. This composition especially is the perfectttt piece to listen to.. when ur stressed out..if you need inspiration in life.. when theres a hugee challenge ahead of you and ur lacking self confidence.. or when ur down in the dumps. I would have listened to this piece I don't know.. some N million times... and yet EVERYY single time.. I'm left speechless. I get goose bumps.. and there is always that small tear in the corner of my eye. It's like a magic potion that fills my heart instantaneously. Its simply amazing what the sound of different instruments in unison does to me. Yanni is one of the best musicians I've listened to who makes awesome compositions with 7 beats, unlike the traditional 4 or 8 beats in Indian music. I honestly owe a lott of my emotions and memories to Yanni's music. Long live composers like these that make music that touches you.. lets just say direct dil se!! Here's the link to the video for those of you that haven't seen it. Enjoyy the violin duel between Karen Briggs and Shardad Rohani!





WOW!

Nenjukkul Peidhidum Maamazhai...

I'm not a big fan of Harris Jayaraj. His tunes seem too cliched. But this song from Varanam Ayiram.. I seem to love it. I don't know whether its Hariharan's magic or the very mood I was in when I listened to this song for the first time. Either ways, this song always gives me a light-hearted feeling.. like Im floating in air. I'm totally reminded of the crisp fall morning 3 weekends back. Early morning.. all set to drive down on my own for 4 hours. Beautiful day. Me, myself and I driving down to DC. Thoughts of a prospective Georgetown trip and other ways to effectively enjoy my time. A thought that the weekend is gonna be great with P and K while still enjoying the drive on my own! :) And this song crooning loudly in my car while I smile on in anticipation of the weekend ahead. A true reminder of a good life!

Looney Degree..

A few typical looneyyyy hours in the lab....

Frustration at the lack of results even after several attempts => Disappointment and the peakkk of demotivation that the goal is not in sight => Irritation that the particular technique NEVER ever works in my hands => Self pity and sadness at the thought that I could be really leading a better life instead of being in the rut => Anger at the thought that I dont have a life (read more money, more time!!) and cannot think about it until I'm DONE => Pissed off with myself that I ain't doing much to get 'done' => Scolding myself for slacking out and not being able to get things to work => Telling myself "Comeon it can't be THAT hard..its not rocket science! How is everyone able to get the technique but me" => Challenging myself that its possible => Reminding myself that my graduation depends almost entirely on ME.. the amount i work => Reminding myself of the joy I get when I see a tick mark in my never-ending "to do" list => Finally finding the means to motivate myself and remind myself that its gonna be over sooner or later and I might as well do my best to finish faster!

And so the cycle continues..

Vijaya Dashami Wishlist

I'm sitting here milessss away and I'm suddenly reminded of the special day that Vijayadashami is.. especially if you want to learn something new. And I've been making a list in my mind for several months now about all those things I would love to do if and when I get done with my PhD. These are not career options.. but just hobbies. And today being Vijaya Dashami, I'll just pen them down here.

1. Recently I've been going crazy about learning Sri Rudram. I just LOVEE listening to it. Its like my instant medicine the minute I don't get results or when I feel low. Reminds me of my dearest "boyfriend" back home! :) When I keep listening to the CD over and over again, I just tend to learn the shlokas. But just recently I learnt that Sri Rudram should not be learnt on your own from a CD/book because we tend to mispronounce . You need to be taught by someone. :( I even tried looking for gurus in and around the jersey city area.. but couldn't find any. Mebbe the time is just not right. But let's see.. sumtime I SHOULD learn it.
2. Swimming - I've always felt terrible that I'm not the sports addict. I never really played any sport even as a young girl! :( And I still can't. Thankfully I know of sumthing I absolutely loveee doing, although I don't know how to do it!! I loveee to stay under water and "swim". But I need to get proper training. I considered joining YWCA here and even hunted for gym with a pool. But my crazy lifestyle has still not given me the time to accomodate a proper class. It gets too stressful.. and ahem.. its kinda unaffordable right now. So I guess I just better stay put till I call it "done" in the lab.
3. Salsa - Again... another thing I alwayss wish I could do is dance. I for some reason think I have two left feet..although I try and remind myself that I did dance a coupla times when I was in school. I should try and let my foot loose sumtime in life and learn dancing. Neways.. P and I and have decided that we will join Salsa classes together later when time permits.
4. Painting - I would loveeee to get back to dabbling with colors. I just simply loveee to do it..sumhow kindles the child in me. The problem with me is I get easily disappointed when what I draw does not turn out to my expectations. Dammnn.. I just hateee having grown up for this!! I soo wish I could still retain that child like curiosity and just try everything. It'd make life soo much more beautiful.
5 - Last but ofcourse not the least.. DEFINITELYY not the least..I want to get back to singing. The reason I put this at the last is because for this.. I don't really need to go in search of a teacher or classes. All I need is to just get the mind to plug in the shruthi box on a weekend and sing away! But laziness/work/ some stupid reason just comes in between and I dont do it. Shouldd get back to it.

So that's the wish-list for this Vijaya Dashami.
Its about time I got back to the rut .. experiments and results and the lack of it!
My Vijaya Dashami message to all my teachers.... Gurubyo Namah! :)

INSANITY speaks..

I feel like a character in a book. And I wish I could be the author.
Recent turn of events has made me wonder about a lott of things in life. My work.. going against my principles in life (animal treatment and sacrifice). The expensive negligence.. big mistake.. big bucks... all of it. And so all of a sudden I've been wondering how my life will be if I just haveta say gud bye...
I'm obviously in a trance. I'm probably letting the reins loose and I have wild horses in my head ..but WHAT IF?
And for sum reason.. i seem more relieved than scared?? Is that all bcos of my kriya?? I mean.. I shd be calm.. but this calm?? It surprises me.. and well the fact that the "What If" situation is actually bringing a smile to my face is actually quite shocking. Obviously I'm not thinking of it entirely.. and I probably shouldnt either. But neways now that I've started.. I mite as well....
options wud be to go back home. Satisfy my mom! She'd be HAPPY!! :) or just look for sumthing here. Neways.. whether I'm in or out.. I think I haveta redefine my passion.
I need to do sumthing which will make me happier. But will i ever get a chance to do that?I'm sure I'll just get sucked in once I finish.. I mean.. its a quagmire.. its never gonna end.. unless u opt to make a choice and say ur done trying to do the thing u absolutely loathe.
neways.. lets wait and c. ..
and now when i write this.. the reality is sinking in.. all of these choices are not gonna be applicable. im just gonna havetaaa do those things that I absolutely havetaaa.. theres no choice. too bad we arent born losers!! too bad we dont have the guts to say.."NO WAY..I aint doing this.. Ill just quit if u force me to". and well.. my sis was rite.. its a sucker.. this thing. its not gonna let me go sooo easily. I mite as well do the one thing that i shouldddd be doing rite now..instead of letting my imagination run wild like this.
Neways it was worth a thot.. I atleast know that its not the end of the world.. It never is actually.

But ya.. lets c....

The Art of Living

My mom and sis have taken the "Art of living" course. My sis especially patronizes it immensely and thinks that the course has helped her a LOT..which it has. It has helped her tremendously in dealing with her stress. After much inspiration from her, I registered for the course and it started yesterday.
I'm not supposed to be giving out details about what we do/learn in the course.. and I dont intend to either. But there are a coupla things from all this that I waana remember which is why Im writing em down here.
As has been said in the course, I do experience varying emotions. I infact feel LOONY.. thats the word. At one moment I feel completeeellyy joyous and at the other I feel low and lousy.Totally erratic. But the best part is I am allowed to feel all this without feeling bad about feeling bad!! That I think is sumthing I waana hold on to for the rest of my life. When we feel bad about sumthing, I think its just better if you feel it and let it go sooner or later. But when you start feeling bad about feeling bad, it only makes things worse. You feel so uneasy and stressed out for what...for feeling bad! It just stresses you out more. When ur feeling bad, just ACCEPT it and let it be. Dont feel terrible about it.
But as moody as I might feel now or for the next 3 days of the course, there is sumthing thats just absoluteeelyyyyy wonderful in this course and that is the Sudarshan Kriya. Its an indescribable feeling. Its an amazing thing which I think every individual HAS to experience. We aren't allowed to give any details, and I think thats very good, bcos no amount of verbal description can really summarize what you go through the first time you do the kriya. Its a true adventure which you musttt experience yourself, and I think its sumthing which I am gonna cherish for the rest of my life. Its brilliant the way your body reacts. Absolutely awesome and a totally priceless experience. :)

Of life, actors, family and America..

Am coming back here after a while. Been planning to blog about random stuff, but haven't found the time. Neways heres a gist of sum of the things Ive been thinking about in the recent past..
1. Life's been beautiful. Attended a good conference. Did a lot of fun stuff in the name of attending the conference.. Kayaking, Horse back riding, Bungee trampoline jumping (NO, its NOT the same as bungee jumping!!), White water rafting in the Colorado river. Had a prof ask me to come to his lab for a postdoc!! :) And lot of such stuff. After a really hectic 2-3 months, finally caught up on sleep and relaxed and lazed around in the beautiful Keystone, CO. All the relaxation has finally made me catch up on my spirits and made me realize that life always has been splendid!
(PS: Its a fabulous place.. its famous as a ski resort.. its just one of the reallly awesome places to visit.)
2. I just realized I really like to watch heroines like Kajol, and Tabu. I really like Konkana Sen too, but Kajol and Tabu are my favourites. Kajol is just very naturally instictive, and Tabu is just immensely talented. I think every other heroine is a turn off. To see Bipasha Basu, katrina Kaif, Kareena Kapoor and the whole herd of them shaking their boobs and butt around is such a turn off. Not that Kajol and Tabu havent done that ..but sumhow I think these 2 can really ACT. And I feel none of the other females in bollywood can even come close. Its just sick to see them dance around in skimpy clothes and do what they claim to be sexy. If there is any woman whose Matkas and Jhatkas I can look at, it is only Madhuri Dixit. Bcos hers were original. I guess she is the one and only 'Dhil Dhak Dhak' queen and I think all of these current heroines follow her style of doing it and it just seems so cliched to watch em all. I just turned on the TV this morning and incidentally saw a Bollywood program and I realized its quite repulsive bcos of all these semi clad heroines who are just all over the place.
3. Been wanting to blog about how it is to be brought up in a family of women. I wanted to write a detailed post, but realized I dont have the patience or the tiem for it. I realized that when you are raised in a family with 2 other women (my mom and my sis) and only women, you are just very naturally told to be strong and to feel strong in ur head. There is no room for weakness of mind. You learn to be both a son and a daughter to ur mom at times just like how she plays the role of both parents to u. U are made to feel that nothing is impossible in the world just bcos u are a woman. U look around you and u find 2 living examples of sensible, mature, strong, level headed women who know what they are doing with their lives and with the lives of those dependent on them and u very naturally and instnictively try and emulate them. U are just very naturally an independent person. At the same time u are also taught to be flexible in thoughts cos a woman plays a very important role in holding the family together. When u grow up with only women around u, u forget how exactly the male species can be with their thoughts and actions and it can just totally puzzle u. They like more emotionally dependent women while on the contrary ur thought to be a fighter.. atleast emotionally.. to be strong. They want u to be a little more romantic, while right from the beginning (especially with folks like mine) ur just by nature taught to be more practical and sensible.. not to be the dreamy eyed princess of the skies, but the go-getter who should try hard to find a place in the male dominated world. And it is quite a task if u waana change sum of those things to fit in with men. -phew!!- :)
4. To America.. I think one of the best things Ive learnt after coming here, is to be open minded about people and customs and religion. When u see universities and companies taking pride in saying "We are an equal opportunity university. We show no discrimination based on color, caste, sex,creed or religion", you actually realize that is the right way to live, to give everyone an equal chance. My thoughts and priorities changed a lott after coming to this country.. just the very way I look at different religions and they way I let that affect my life has changed with time and exposure. What I feel and believe in is quite difficult for my own mom to comprehend, but thats just the way it is.

So thats all the rambling I'm gonna do now. Ill probably let the cobwebs rest here for a while... or mebbe not. Lets c.

Just a thought..

A thought after random searches on google and wiki...
I found that people in some parts of China (Southern China ) eat snake meat and a LOT of other different types of meat... eel, quail, snake, turtle, dog, (cat .. not sure). Actually I think they eat any animal they can lay their hands on. And well if they do practice any religion in their country, then it is Buddhism, for the most part of it.
Hey, but wasn't Buddha's main teaching and principle compassion to ALL creatures and ABSOLUTE nonviolence to any living being? So how come it is that countries which strongly follow Buddhism, or atleast claim to do so, do not follow this?

I guess the same question can be turned on us. Hinduism preaches the same thing.. compassion to all living creatures. But do all Hindus refrain from eating meat?
I guess its all changes thatve taken place with time. Its difficult to track 'em down.

I got the answer to my thought while I was writing this post.

One of my other characteristic posts...

Whyy do sum ppl have that irritating habit of telling u negative things even before u actually start sumthing/ fully venture into sumthing?? Its annoyyinngg. Seriously.
The guy and gal (MR and MS) I have in mind arent really bad ppl to work with. They arent bad scientists either. Mebbe its just me... mebbe I'm just over reacting or probably just reacting!! But sumtimes u really need a motivating environment especially when u have to dig out and find sumthing which nobody else has actually seen. I'm not gonna go on n on n on relentlessly. I know this blog is turning out into sumthing grim with scribblings about frustrations and lab and grad skool life. But this is sumthing I probably need to remember...

Wed-thurs last week: Get results totally deviant from the hypothesis. Reason: New technique tried. MR scares me a lot saying probably this is the correct result and not the ones I've got previously and so obviously I'm in deep trouble b4 AHA-summer. (Ironically MR works on the same topic of interest as me. And its only me and him that know the details and intricacies of the topic in the whole lab of 18. In a big lab, the prof has no time to micro-manage and analyze every single result. So you take the help of postdocs like MR.)
Fri: i spend time trying to plan expts with different techniques and different users. MR is included along with another nice chappie. Spend time until 2:30 am working on the darted western blot. Meanwhile I also figure out that my invivo (inside the mouse) and invitro (outside the body, in a manipulated environment) data dont seem to match at all. So now I am myself jittery with my results.
Sat: Walk in to my prof's and discuss with him the results. I ask him..
1. Is the hypothesis wrong since data dont match? "No. I think its ok."
2. Can we still publish with contradicting data? Wont people question us blah blah.. "Oh noo.. dont worry. We'll figure out a way to publish. Its ok. Just carry on working. This is science. Everythings not straitforward. We will figure it out. You should be happy your project and results are actually not letting u sleep and keeping u awake all night!!"

?????????
.... Anyways.. so the green signal's out from THE man himself.

Tues: I discuss with MR. I tell him invivo I dont get the same data for which he yellss.. "OHHH noooo.. thats really bad. Its IMPOSSIBLEEE to publish with opposite data. i dont believe your data. I dont believe your hypothesis. I dont want to be a part of this at all. Dont include my name in the paper. I've never seen anyone publish like this. I dont think its going to be ok. Its just not possible. Your data and your results dont make any sense."
Well let me just say that MR always is in a nervous state of mind. The smallest of things can irritate and excite him. U can see his blood pressure, his adrenalin and possibly a lot of his "stress response markers" shoot up every now and then. If there is anything different from the way he thinks.. and if he cannot understand it.. and espply if the data is from me... he is ready to have a nervous breakdown with a bout of screams and facial distortions and animations. And almost eventually he'll either look out for MS or the nice chappie to discuss and crib about the inconsistencies of my data or probably how I am generating wrong data... and all of this is done in languages I cannot understand.. either Japanese or whispers!

So at the end of the day.. when you are yourself a wee bit scared about how you are actually gonna pull it off till the fag end with such variable data the last thing you'll want to hear is a post doc coming and yelling at u the way MR did today. It just stresses you out a lot more.

Neways, the key is to NOT REACT. just dont care about such people. Simply carry on with the faith that someday He will show you His way of making things work, which then ironically you can claim as your discovery and write papers about and be lauded by a few and criticized by most others.

PS: The problems I have with a highly nosy and prying MS will be posted when they get on my nerves more!

The spiritual me -1

I've always wanted to make another blog called thespiritualme@blogspot.com or sumthing like that. But havent done it yet.
Neways.. heres an article I wrote about complete surrender to God. Wrote it for a news letter that came out as part of a Sai Temple.

REF: http://www.thesaifoundation.org/saiJoomlaProd
/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=131&Itemid=79

True Surrender – The easy way to live life

Almost every religion that exists, that I know of, believes in complete and total surrender to God – the concept of Poorna Sharanagathi as can be said in Sanskrit. So what really is “total surrender”? And what is the purpose of doing it? I just searched for the words “to surrender to God” in Google and I found a good explanation on one of the sites.

“Surrender means to yield ownership, to relinquish control over what we consider ours: our property, our time, our"rights". When we surrender to God, we are simply acknowledging that what we "own" actually belongs to Him. He is the giver of all things. We are responsible to care for what God has given us, as stewards of His property, but by surrendering to God, we admit that He is ultimately in control of everything, including our present circumstances. Surrendering to God helps us to let go of whatever has been holding us back from God's best, for our lives. By surrendering to God, we let go of whatever has kept us from wanting God's ways first.”

http://www.allaboutfollowingjesus.org/surrender-to-god.htm

Complete surrender is one of the most difficult things to do in life. It’s simply impossible for most people to just “give up” everything to God and tell Him that He is the one who’s got to take care of everything; the biggest obstacle in the way being our ego. Ego is a conscious feeling of your self and identity, the knowledge of ‘I’, the thought that ‘I am me’. It is when we start thinking that we are the doers of the action and we are the ones to bear the fruits of the actions. It is one of the root causes for most problems and confusions in life. Very few people actually get the courage to acknowledge the fact that in reality there is someone up there who is actually controlling our reins and executing things according to His will and wish, and we are nothing but mere instruments in the process. So is there any need for all the ego and fights when there is only He?

What does it really take to surrender? To surrender is to simply have 100% faith and confidence in the Divine that He WILL take care of you. He may toss you around through different really difficult situations in life, from which you believe that you just cannot come out. But all you actually need to do is to simply surrender to Him and tell Him that since He is the one that’s putting you through all the problems, its His responsibility to get you out of it as well. And well, believe it or not, He will do it! After all His whole purpose of creating problems in people’s lives (and eventually getting them out of them), is to show that He is there. We just need to believe in His presence firmly, with a lot of faith and trust. Surrendering is like a magic potion. It is the one thing that can keep you stress free, and keep you happy despite the turmoil you may face in life because once you surrender to God, you want His will to be done and not yours. And so you are prepared for anything to happen. You leave aside your opinions of what may be the best or worst in the situation and you start being open hearted and open minded. It silences the confusions in you and keeps you ready to accept anything that may happen. You just learn to accept it without much ado and complaints, and rather happily that, that was how things were meant to be. And so you start looking at things beyond the problem/ confusion and start living up life.

And so, how exactly do we surrender? In my personal experience I have seen that writing to Him is the easiest way to do it. One way is to keep a diary and write letters to Him in it. Make it a habit to jot down all your thoughts, dreams, problems, confusions, prayers whenever time permits. Try and share everything with Him- the wildest dreams to the deepest fears. Usually when you look back at your previous diary entries or your previous letters, you WILL find that He has taken care of most of it. Suppose you reported confusion in your life and didn’t know how to handle it then, after you write a letter of surrender to God, the problem usually will get solved or answered by the time you actually check on it again. Here at Kalpataru Sai Nilayam, Rev. Mira Sai Maa graciously reads out letters of devotees in private to Shri Baba. You can just visit the website at http://www.thesaifoundation.org/ and submit your prayers there. Just write down whatever you will and please, and it will be read out very soon to Baba. And before you even realize, most of your problems will be attended to and taken care of by Him. It is our great fortune to have Baba listening to all our prayers here at Kalpataru Sai Nilayam. So, even if you are in the middle of work and are just completely frustrated with something, don’t let it nag you inside out. Just submit your prayers there, surrender everything to Him and leave it. He will attend to it. Of course, we have to learn to wait patiently for Him to act on it. Don’t let the mind run wild while you are waiting on it. Simply believe that He will look on to it. And once you think that He has solved your problem or confusion, let’s not forget to thank him for it. Thanksgiving to God is extremely important. We should tell him periodically that we are happy for everything He is giving us and especially for taking care of us.

So, just surrender to Him. Leave all your problems aside with Him, asking Him to take care of them, and learn to live life happily and to enjoy even the smallest of His creations. Surrendering is probably the healthiest way to deal with stress and to live life happily and it definitely is the right thing to do.

Sai Ram.

PS:

Ok, I know a lot of people actually thought that I am completely frustrated in life after reading my last post. Well, I was frustrated just before I wrote that post, but blogging it all out helped me calm down a lot. I know I've said this before.. this hobby of blogging has become more of a habit to vent out frustrations, disappointment, happiness and so on. I find that it brings clarity to my thoughts and helps me think of one thing at a time. And 5 years from now.. when I get outa this phase called PhD, I am sure I will want to read about all the blahs and frustrated AAAHHHs that I went thru to get the darted degree. Neways, I just thought I should include this postscript b4 I write my next post.. cos quite a few friends actually thot that I might drop outa the degree in all the frustrations. Hopefully She will gimme the strength to face it all.
"Nadukadalil sendre vizhinum, karai ettrugai Nin Thiruvullame" !

Piled Higher Deeper in frustrations

AAH!!! This post is gonna be a quick gist of the frustrations most students go thru while doing their phd..

1. Lab work - When u really want sumthing quick and fast, things wont work. u'll haveta end up troubleshooting from scratch. Change the buffer, change the reagents, the antibodies, the samples. And when you finally get results after a week or 2, the prof will no longer be enthused to hear about that project. He will want to know your progress on sumthing else which will be on the bottom rung of your priority list. and so ull remake your "To DO list".. only to realize that ull have stacks of them around u and that they are never gonna end.
2. Personal life - If you are in a relationship while doing your phd... oh forget it please. You will really not have any time on the phone or on the myriad messengers or in person. And every time u want to do sumthing, u will end up thinking about lab work in the background. Everything will be consciously timed according to the lab clock.
3. Parental pressure - When you are a single PhD student (espply an Indian girl), forget it. Your parents will call you and tell you that all those other "chamathu" girls and even guys are getting married while you haven't even settled down in life as yet. You don't have a job. You don't know when you will graduate. They will ask you if they can start looking out for you, and quite unfortunately when the boys side get to know that the girl is doing a phd..the first question they will ask is "When will she be done?"
4. Spousal pressure - If you are doing a PhD after you are married, a lot of times, the guy wont understand why it is soo important for u to be in the lab instead of just cuddling around doing nothing or just cooking food at home. Not to forget the pressure of having to bear children.
5. Pressure from friends - You think that most of your friends will understand when you say its a phd. But no.. they will be tease you for having such a miserable life..and a lot of them will also mean it that you are probably not fit enuff to have fun cos ur always stuck in the lab. And then youll also have those one or 2 "Namoone"s who'll think that you break appointments with them intentionally. They cannot understand that you were stuck in the lab with experiments. they will think u did it intentionally out of dislike for them or to back snap them or sum crap.

So ultimately what does a phd do to u...
it makes your life completely miserable. You can no longer have a peaceful stress free life. Everything you do revolves around conference deadlines and abstracts and papers. You think of experiments day in and out. You lose every tinge of romanticism in you. You look at things from a point to point perspective and try to work on things in the same manner, while some people expect you to look at the whole picture. You will defly not live upto anyones expectations.. Ur profs, ur parents, ur spouse or boyfriend/galfriend, ur friends...and so to say it.. ur own for after all you will have some expectations to live ur life in a more jolly n happy manner.. but trust me u cannot do it. Just dont expect yourself to be normal with the amount of pressure and stress you go thru while slogging ur butt off for this degree.

Well I know everything that goes wrong in life is not cos of the phd.. but a lot of times it is. Just accept it and live with it. Thats all the sacrifices you've got to make for this God forsaken degree. Its a hugee sacrifice and a hugee thing and probably a few who are there in it with you will understand it.. (trust me..again not all phds will understand what other co-species go thru! some will try to make ur life more miserable by either telling u that ur not just as good as them cos they were very successful and things went very easy for them)
So to the few of u thats reading this.. U really dont want to do a phd. And if you do plan to do it, then get geared up to have a total rollercoaster ride. Only that this ride is down in the dungeons with no light except sumwhere right at the end.

Choices.. part 3

A summary of my mom's words as she and I were talking about choices... those made..those that we are compelled to make...

The very fact that you are able to make a choice is a sign of maturity. To not be confused and to attempt to remain focussed and clear is itself a good thing. And what is important is not just to make the choice, but to stick to it. So if you've decided..if you've chosen to do sumthing..stick to it and do it. It helps to not wobble around. Reflecting on your choices and verifying at each stage if what you've done is right is ok..but dont let that confuse you. Just stick to it and keep the faith going!

The words came as a real relief. Thank God for my mom.

Mood of the night...

1:30 am Thursday nite - friday morning...
Still stuck in the lab. HUNGRY!! my heads spinning like a top! i just HAVETA catch up on sleep. SHOULD make time for dinner.
and the worst thing of alll......
This is the third time I'm working on teh same darted western blot ...same samples. And each time I've been getting different results. WHYYY?? So the hypothesis still hangs in the noose! Why God WHY??

That one fine day when I walk to get my degree.. that day I will look back at this and smile! Hope that day comes soon. But until then... just slog it as much as u can..thats the mantra.

[If ur reading this..and are considering a PhD, Think again PLS!!]

Music and memories..

Quite unusually, its a feeling of elation (while I am actually in the lab). And since happiness and lab dont quite go together always, I really want to capture this mood and have it frozen in time. Its just beautiful memories....

My room in my house. A nice bright saturday afternoon. 3:30 pm. Curtains pulled to the sides of the 4 windows. Sea breeze at its best while the fan runs noiselessly. Hot tea with some nice snack, pakodas usually. Lachcha with amma about everything trivial and important while we wait for paatu maami. Sooner or later she comes. I lay down the mat... actually calling it 'paai' gives the effect much better than 'mat', while amma and mami talk about health and neighbours. I wait for them to finish while the electronic tambura sounds in the background. I mentally plan up what I waana sing in class today. We start off.. a varnam, a small keerthanai, and then I tell mami - 'marivere'. She starts off with shanmukhapriya.. tries to teach me some small alapanai, and then we get to the song. I thoroughly enjoy the way I sound and the way the song turns out. Sheer bliss as the sangathis all turn out right. Clear indication that I have been singing very regularly. Kalpana swarams at the end of the song. Mami telling me...."Hum panninde irukkanum. Appo daan varum". In between amma brings sugarless coffee for mami. While she takes time to drink it, I think of the next song. A short but peppy one. And then we go on to the new song that I am learning at the moment. Mami writes it down and then teaches me the song. And by the time I finish its a little after 5.

Blissful days those were. A nice musical childhood it was. Wish I could get back to those days or atleast get back to the habit of singing my heart out. No care, no inhibitions, no matter how I sound. Just singing for myself with the faith that it reaches out to Him. I guess sometime I SHOULD get back to the hobby that was once a hugeee part of my childhood. Miss it terribly!

Dreamz unlimited....

PS: Damnnn!! Shahrukh Khan already took this name for his production company. But I still want to call this post Dreamz unlimited...
PPS: ps is prescript.

I took a sneak peak into sumone's blog and found the words.. "You wanted to be .... when u were in Xth grade". All of a sudden, it just triggered memories of all those myriad ambitions I held since childhood. And I thought I should jot them down here. So here goes...

• It was Class III when I actually started thinking about how I'd like my future to be. Since my mom and sister were all I knew then, with mom being the most precious, I'd decided that I'd keep her like a queen (and be a princess myself!). And so how exactly was I gonna do that?? By living in a palatial house guarded by seven dogs!! Like dogs were the real sign of wealth and prosperity. Well let's see, mebbe someday I will have a dog as a pet.
  
• Class V - I wanted to be a cop. I was realllyyy inspired by Superstar and Kamal in their Khakhis and wanted to be like them, fighting all the bad guys away.
  
• Class VII - I wanted to be an interior designer. I loved dabbling away with colors and felt that I could work all day long designing sleek bedrooms and kitchen cabinets.And to do it for a living..it seemed just absolutely perfect!
  
• Class VIII - My sis was studying to become a doc, and thats when I got inspired. She wanted to be a cardiologist. Her passion was soo infectious that I decided I'd be a neurologist.
  
• Class X - When my sister didn't get into med skool despite all the hardwork she'd put in, I'd decided that science wasn't for me at all. I'd planned to take commerce in highskool (and enjoy life) and then magically become a CA for a living. But in a matter of a few days, I knew how hard it was for people in India to complete the course and finally become a chartered accountant. So the dream went away as suddenly as it'd started.
  
• Soon I was back to science and I ended up taking computer science instead of biology in XI and XII. It was a long cherished dream tostudy in BITS, and I'm glad atleast that was accomplished.
• I wanted to be a software engineer just before I finished schooling. As soon as I joined BITS, I wanted to work in a bank, take a 9 -5 job and enjoy life blissfully with family and friends in India...wanted to work for World bank!
• Until recently, I wanted to be a singer crooning tamizh gaana songs!! And while it was still a dream, I wished that I could sing for Ilayaraja some day!
  
• I've wanted to be a theologist. I think there is nothing in life that can be more satisfying than being in complete closeness and constant remembrance of Him. If I were a guy, I'd be a temple priest. I'd actually wanted to build a temple when I was very young. And mebbe if I did that, then I'd be the priest(ess) in there!
• I've also wanted to write a book. I'd specialize in children's books. I've always enjoyed reading about fantasy and enchantments and magic. (Ofcourse these days, its being overdone, with every Tom Dick and Harry thinking they could be a Rowling or a Tolkien or even Enid Blyton. Who can forget those books Blyton wrote in The Magic Faraway Tree series - the enchanted woods, the folk of the faraway tree... Jo and Bessie climbing the tree and finding the ladder that leads them to the magical land inhabited with characters like Moonface, the angry pixie, and Ms Washalot. Wow.... ok I'll stop here lest I get tooooo carried away. So mebbe someday I will write some nice stories for kids. -Sigh-

But what I am doing now in my life is something I never dreamt of. Doing a PhD.. sacrificing animals in the name of science..being called a scientist. I dont have any complaints about what I am doing now (except for sac-ing animals), but just that I never imagined myself being the geeky old researcher stuck in a lab day in and out, playing around with cells and animals and trying to discover something completely new. Anyways, whilst I'm still at that.. theres nothing to stop me from dreaming....being a physician, a lawyer, or a medical lawyer, a child psychologist, or probably an artist, a ballet dancer... the list actually goes on and on. How many of those dreamz will have seen reality before I pop off...hmm lets see...only time will tell.

And life goes on...

And so life's just going on. Nothing new. Nothing different. Same lab. Same routine. Same life.
But still, its a new challenge every day. Re-evaluating watever u did in the past...(for a change this time its lab work!!) and really checking if things are going rite. But isn't it always when u need things to go rite..they go topsy turvy.. (again referring to lab work!!).
Life outa the lab, thankfully no complaints.
So thats just things in a gist. I'm still a student and will be for the next coupla years. Don't know anything beyond mice and data and western blots. Yet, I'm trying to get in pace with the world by trying to figure out what other friends of mine are doing. Marriages, weddings, receptions, muhurtams, shaadis all overrr the place. Pregnancy and news here and there. Blogs dedicated to new relationships, to new babies. :) Well its nice that life's going up-beat for a lot of them. We'll get there sum day. After the ", PhD" follows my surname mebbe! Hmmm lets see. No complaints. But until then I shall continue to read on. Its fun to read what people haveta say about themselves or the situations they are living in. Even if I'm not in it rite now, the words get lodged in sum corner of my cerebrum, and I'm sure I'll strike chord when I land up in that situation.
This post I know is highly insignificant and it just reflects my uneventful life, but I was just craving to blog after I read a really good post by a pregnant mom... a friend of mine.
Good english and well framed sentences..a good , short, crisp piece of writing is such a turn on!!!

Here's a random list of things though..

Books being read: The Golden compass. No I haven't watched the movie yet. I believe that if a movie is made from a book, read the book first and then watch the movie. Books help you think wider. Movies narrow your imagination! So I've missed out Golden compass and Spiderwick chronicles. Hopefully Kala's DVD collections will help me catch up!!
Another book I am reading is a collection of Rudyard Kipling's short stories. Haven't read too many. But reading it. Love his style of writing.

Books I waana read: The Wodehouse collection I gave Y. Subtle wit and humor. I waana read the gita and the bible sumday and draw comparisons! sumtime in life when i get the time.

Places I waana visit: TX, Seattle, Florida (this year??!!)

Projects that need to be re-vamped: Quals, Knockout and the original.....this list will actually go on.

Neways, I guess its time I stopped here. Need to get back to lab work and routine life.

Observations in life...

1. Its ALLLLLLL about choices.. what u make..what is given to u. Every single thing in life.
2. Almost always its the people you care for the most..and viceversa ..you end up hurting the most bcos of ur actions and happenings.
3. The grass is ALWAYSSSSS greener on the other side. When you have something u dont want it. You think of life without it. When you dont have it, you end up missing it and long for it.
4. You can never ever be fully just to anyone or everyone.
5. Every thing is fleeting.. everything is farce and sham except Her.
6. Somethings in life are better left unsaid and undone.
7. Theres no point making such observations about life.. its just a pretext to not work!!

The unsung prayer..

I'm just out with all that I held deep inside,
All the fearsome, scary thoughts
Of how I ended up being who I am.
It truly was a nightmare relived..and continues to be..
As I face the brunt of it,
Not knowing where this will take me.
To where I was before..to the void.
Or to a new beginning, a fresh start. A new leaf.
But beyond all that,
I sit contemplating deep within..
How could I? Why did I?
I question the Gods
That I imagine shield me from all,
Where were You then? How could You?
But then I realise,
Its none but my fault.
And as I think thus,
My mind races far away
To the sanctity of her warmth.
I feel everything else is fleeting but her.
I think nothing is worth but her.
And in that smile, I realize
She's there to put things to rest.
For shes the only one that knows it all..
The love, the hatred, the emotions.
Shes the one I should lean on
With times so crazy!
But as I do that..
Again the reproach from deep within..
How?? Why?? What was I thinking?
I realize sadly that the reproach is not just from within,
But from the world that belongs to me.
And as I wail within in disgust..
I realize.. a mortal I've been,
With flaws so many and so huge,
To undo it all, I need another life.
And again as the cycle of remorse continues,
I seek onto her.
I wish all were as calm as she.
I wish the world was none but she.
Repentance and remorse, only she knows it all.
To explain to another all this..
Quite impossible.
I just hope
With all the rights to hope,
That her will prevails..
That her will be done.
Good or bad.. let her decide.
Peace and calm and hope and happiness
May reign forever in my life.
And I get the strength to accept it all.
I love her.

I wish I were....

I wish I were a free bird,
Flying as far as I could,
Free from nets and nests,
Away into some unknown woods.
I wish I were a tall tree,
With feet firmly on the ground,
Whole beautiful leaves every spring,
Like I've just been crowned.
I wish I were a white river,
Kissing every stone and pebble,
Singing with joy and rhythm,
As I gush on and amble.
I wish I were a big mountain,
Mighty & strong in mind,
Palavering at will with the clouds,
While the sun hides behind.
I wish I were a little girl,
With all the time at hand,
Doing what I will and please,
Playing aimlessly in the sand.
I wish I were a mere child,
Filling my world with colors,
Hues of red, yellow, blue and orange,
Inspired by the dancing flowers.
I wish I were a wizard,
With all the worldly knowledge and wise,
Peaceful and calm with the know-it-all
Devoid of all vice.
I wish I were a pet dog,
Defining faith and trust,
Bringing boundless joy and love
And being a guard if I must.
I wish I were a good book,
With a justly decorative cover,
Of Nature & God I'd speak
Or an ode to the gutsy lover.
I wish I were just more patient
To all that people say,
Calm and quiet and tranquil
Through every brawl and fray.
I wish I were a better me,
With the best of everything..
Friendship, trust, faith & cheer
Selfless with zest and zing.


This writing is the outcome of several thoughts and emotions running in parallel in my head. It may not as usual make any sense to you, but I for one have enjoyed going back to my childhood days and writing something in the lines of a 'poem'!! :)

Long pending thots....

Wow...its been ages since i actually visited this page! I've been wanting to come here and dust the cobwebs..but just havent found the time to do it!! I've infact been making a mental note every other week to resume this hobby which has actually over time, turned into a tool kit for me to tap my inner self and bring out clarity in my thots!! But like I said..the lack of time. Blogging (both generic and cryptic ones) helps me kinda unwind and think things thru. Its actually a nice way to spend time with your own self (jus like any other hobby). Over the past year, I've had my own reasons to write those posts meant and directed to me...pretty much not comprehendable to most others. And well, although that 'motivation factor' is now missing, for which I'm extremelllly happy and glad about, I've really actually missed penning sumthing down here and getting comments about it. Its not just the same as journaling or writing a diary, where its just you and your Dearest. Here, the people u know and the others read wat u write and so its a little insight into your thot process and to ur confusions... and it really is nice to get comments about sum of them! So this post is gonna be a veryyyy random one..jus to note down sum of those things I've been feeling and thinking for a while and Ive been wanting to write about.

Frozen in Time:
I've actually been getting this 'Frozen in time' feeling for a while now. I feel like time is running WAYYYYY too fast in front of me..and I feel I'm just not keeping pace with it. I feel like I'm on another plane just standing and gaping in awe at its speed, while caught up in sumthing or the other that kinda slows me down. Its the feeling of being left behind..and that is not with respect to another person or individual ...but with a concept like time. I just cannot imagine that in 6 months I'm gonna be 25. And wow.. ppl do a LOT when they are 25. 25 is officially the age of adulthood (atleast here in the USA)..even when u're 24, you are considered a young adult!
But this feeling of being frozen in time strikes me EVERY single day in the lab. I go in at 9:30 and even before I realize its lunch and then 3:30-tea time. By the time I actually keep track of what i did the whole day, its already 5 or 6 in the evening..and I realize I gotto leave in another 3-4 hours and thats when work starts in full zeal. And even before I can actually say "quidditch" or "Gryffindor", the day has actually ended and I catch on the fact that 12 hours (sumtimes even 16 hrs) of the day has gone by without anything significant being done. I think lab work and PhD life can make you feel that way. And at other times when I talk to sum of my friends and batchmates from college, espply when they are just about to get married or already are, I feel wierdly frozen in time. No complaints AT ALL that I'm not in their place..but just a thot that.. WOWWW.. are we really that old to actually be getting married and entering another phase of life. I guess a lottt of htat goes to the fact that I still am a student. Its gonna take me a while to get there, I know, and until then I'm sure I'm just gonna stand dumbstruck and watch things changing/moving around me in a pace that I feel is way too hard for me to stick to. Like i said.. I'm not complaining about it..its just a mental note that time IS flying past...and REALLY fast!

There've been a few other things I've been wanting to jot down... just a few things here n there.... like say - travelling and how much I enjoy it. For me espply since my sis n family stay in CA, I end up taking the 6 hour flites atleast every 2-2.5 months. And the last time I was in the airport waiting for my flite, I realized that those 6 hours (especially the onward journey) is sumthing I really enjoy actually. When you are up there in the flight, its like you have 6 hours just for yourself & you can spend it in ANY way u want....No feeling guilty about not working, no pressing fone calls, no contact with anyone around but your own self. And I realized I really love that time I get to spend with myself ( cos I usually travel alone). I could either sleep, or just things thru, or realize how beautiful life is, or reminesce about all those past memories and cherish them or crib about them or just simply read a book or watch an inflight movie. But its wonderful..and that made me realize how long its actually been since I took time to do wat I wanted to do. Theres always work to do, theres always ppl to call and talk to..but being with ur own self and spending time with ur own self is a beautiful thing on its own and I crave for it just as much as I crave spending quality time with my friends and the people that matter! I think these trips help me chill out and relax and jus unwind.

Another warm thot in my head has been about my mom. Here, I don't mean to sound like an Archies/Hallmark Mother's Day greeting card or an over-dramatized 1970 Bollywood movie dialogue writer..."Mere paas Maa hai" (Deewar- Shashi Kapoor in answer to Amitabh's question - "Mere paas gaadi hai, bungalaw hai, paisa hai. Tumhare paas kya hai??" ). But just that over the past few days/weeks/months I've realized that if there is one woman who I'd like to be like, that'd be my mom. I think shes a really beautiful human being with a lottt of qualities that I'd like myself to imbibe. I think every child always idealizes his/her mom n dad as their real life heroes to some extent, and in my case its a LOTT more. Shes been one helluva strong lady. When I see people my age getting stressed out in life and the way htey deal with problems, I'm just very naturally inclined to compare them to my mother, I dont know why. And every time I realize that by the time she was 33, she was a single mother of 2, its not just scary to me, but just as admirable and respectable. I've never really wondered as a girl or as an adoloscent how she did all that. To me it seemed more like the grace and will of The Mother. But now, when I see the mental strength I have at the age of 25 (or sum of my peers have), I just can't help but admire her for her inner peace and strength. Thank God for that! And now when I see her, at peace with everything around her, all ready to do anything that we might need, its just amazing. I'm glad I share a beautiful relationship with her. Amma madila padhuthu thoongi padam paakara maadri, or amma ooti vidara maadri life la sogam varave varadhu!! :)

I'm glad I've finally taken the time off to write all this. Need to get back to reality with exams and papers n blahness!! But hopefully Ill stay in better touch with me and gimme the time I really need.

Choices...Part 2

Heres a thought...
Sometimes u have situations in life where u REALLLLYY really want sumthing..it matters to u a lot. And as much as you want it, there are some of ur absolutely close and true well wishers that try to tell u that ur better off without it...and also tell u that theyd be happier without it. So what do u do in a situation like that??? When u stand up for urself and try to put ur foot down, can it be perceived as selfishness?? And is that even fair in the first place??? Does that mean that ur just being blatantly rude and indifferent to their desires while trying to figure out ur own?? How do u explain that as much as u wish to stand up for wat u want, u also really crave that they be happy cos of u?? Quite a complex situation to handle...chasing ur own dreams vs satisfying others... Its always a difficult thing to choose.
I guess, it will boil down eventually to they being happy if ur absolutely happy with ur decision. But until the time that u can prove to them that u ARE really happy, and until the time that they are convinced...its tuff ..a really tuff journey. And only time as usual will bear answers and justifications to everything done. I guess u jus gota hold on until then...and pray that God gives u an opportunity again to show those ppl that really really matter that they still mean the world to u and that u did not mean to let them down jus cos u stood up for sumthing u wanted.

-----This post goes out as a dedication to 3 of the most important ppl in my life. -------

Pul arikkara scene...

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE this dialogue from Thiruvilayadal! I would have watched this movie some n million times all for this dialogue stretch, and simply for Nagesh's acting. Totall nostalgia... Enakku fullaaa arichu pochu!


An all time favourite dialogue ....

"kelvigalai nee ketkiraya, alladhu naan kekkatuma??"
aa..nee kekkadhey! naane kekkaren. enakku kekkadaan therium!
kelum
satru porum!
Kelum..

Pirikka mudiadhu ennavo??
Tamizhum Suvaiyum!

Pirikka koodadhadhu??
edhugaiyum monaiyum!

Serndhey irupadhu??
Varumayum pulamayum!!!

Seradhirupadhu??
Arivum panamum!

Solla koodadhadhu??
Pennidam ragasiyam!

Solla koodiyadhu??
Unmayin thathuvam!

Paarka koodadhadhu??
Pasiyum Panjamum!

Parthu rasipadhu?
kalaiyum Azhagum!

Kalaiyil chirandhadhu?
Innisai nadagam!

Nadagam enbadhu?
Nadippum paatum!

Paatukku?
Naradhan!

Veenaikki?
Vani!

Azhagukku?
Murugan!

Sollukku?
Agathiyan!

Villukku?
Vijayan!

Aasaikku?
Nee!

Arivukku?
Naan!!!

:)



You can enjoy this video here...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6510683475944848370

Long live Harry Potter!

Its over...its finally over. The stories of Harry Potter. Yes he's alive and he continues to be the 'Boy who lived', but theres no more new stories. And well I do feel a little sad and emotional about it. The very fact that I'm not gonna be able to wait in anticipation about wat mite happen to him next. It mite sound a little crazy, and to some it mite seem like its sooooo past our age to feel for sumthing like this, not to forget "its a teenager.. stories for young kids!!"But I sumhow have never really felt the books were just for kids, like most other adults reading and enjoying harry potter.
I started reading Potter when I was in my 2nd year of college, and until then I never used to read books just as much. Just after 12th grade, a friend of mine referred me to Harry Potter & the Philosopher's stone, and I tried reading it the first time, but really cudn't get past the first 3 chapters. I was like this is crazy... its for kids...11 year olds... I cant read books like that. (Not that I used to be a voracious reader then with a huge choice of books.) But I jus shunned the book and was a little surprised that this was one of the most famous books around the globe. And in fact my interest in books and the very habit of reading hit rock bottom after that. But in 2002 Dec, when my sis had come down to India for a vacation, she and my bil were extremely excited that they had found the 4 harry potter books outside Higginbothams for just 200 bucks. The pair of them gave me the books and demanded that I read the books and familiarize myself with the stories before my trip to the USA in summer 03. And well b'cos my bil had convinced me that I WAS missing sumthing in life if I dint read HP, I started with book 1. And I made sure I read the book till its very last page, without getting judgemental right after the first 3 chapters. I was a slow reader then and after wat seemed like a semester, I started off with book2. That one felt duller than book1. And after a bit of a struggle, I reached book 3 by which time I was already on my summer vacation in CA. But once I reached book 3, I began to adore the stories of this young boy wizard. I felt I was able to associate with small things in the books quite well then, espply the fact that u have this long this train journey to reach to Hogwarts, with the whole train packed with students (not unlike chennai central - TN express on 28/29th July every year), friends and jus friends doing everything for u and everything with u in a hostel/boarding skool. I felt closer to the books and closer to the characters in the books with time. And after book3, i guess there was just no looking back. Harry Potter had become one of those frequently discussed topics, over the dining table at my sister's (It still remains a central topic of discussion, along with LOTR and some thalaivar movies!!!), with wingies in the hostel, and one of the favourite topics of discussion in sky! :) And it felt like I could talk about books or atleast understand wat a person meant when they said they have a favourite book/ favourite author. It felt good.
And then I started re-reading all the Harry Potter-s. The first time u read the book, (actually any book for that matter), u read it fast just to know the story. Rowling spins the story around so well, u just want to know wat the hell is happening, and who in merlin's name is gonna die and how! But the second time u read the same book, u already know the story and thats when u start associating with the emotions involved amidst the different characters. U get closer to the characters in the book when u can imagine their emotions and feel atleast a little close to wat they feel in the book. The Potter movies have NEVERRR been able to do justice to that. The movies can concentrate only on the story line with sum stunning effects to show sum fantasy, because of the limitation of time. But the books are a LOTTTTTTT more than jus that. Theres no set limits to the words or to the imagination. Its the different emotions Harry, Ron and Hermione go thru ....relationships, loneliness, adoloscence, trust, faith, friendship, death, acceptance of people and truth as it is, and every small and huge thing in life. And every time I read and re-read Harry Potter, I'd find sumthing new striking me, I'd find a new theory and come up with a new hypothesis as to why Rowling was doing that to some main character. And I'd call my sister or some of my other Non-muggle friends and discuss their opinions of a certain theory.
The books have been such an important part of my life for the last 5 years or so. I've been caught in the Potter mania, creating a lot of it myself amidst my group of friends. And now when I c that theres gonna be no more of all that....no more of passionate frenzied discussions about this and that of Harry Potter, no more guessing the suspense the future books might hold, no more eagerly awaiting the stroke of midnite for a new book, no more enthusiastically putting a nite out for those huge hard cover books! I feel like its the end of a phase of my life or sumthing. It feels totally psenti :( Well, deflly I know the books can be read over and over again and the movies rewatched a million times (which is wat I will end up doing, I know), but the fact that the story-teller has spun the yarn and decided to call it done is a little difficult to accept. "And to you if you've stuck with Harry till the very end", she says, in the 7th dedication of the 7th book.

Well Thankyou J.K Rowling for creating a world like Harry Potter, for teaching kids to be imaginative, for helping adults kindle the child in them, for helping us relive memories and emotions that we have all been thru as kids... and thankyou more so for helping me and a lott like me, make reading an enjoyable habit. Thankyou for all your books, which will be read, re-read and read again and cherished forever!

Reminiscences of a childhood friend.

Even when I heard the news, I wasn't as shocked. I was like "Whattt?? watt the hell.. how did that really happen???" while my friends on the other line were almost choking, completely shocked. But later that afternoon when things started sinking in I was pretty upset. And today, a coupla days after the news has spread around...all those small things that count as memories seem to cloud my mind...those thots that were so insignificant then, seem to remind me soo much of all that we've shared as classmates, childhood friends, neighours etc. It feels horrible...despite the fact that we havent quite stayed in touch for more than 9-10 years.

Class 4: I still remember an english composition where we had to write something about how to polish our shoes. And in both sections of the class, ur style of writing and ur composition was thot to be the best. I still remember ur essay being read out to the whole batch of 72 students. U had written it as a scientific experiment with 'aim, apparatus reqd and procedure' which was considered VERY high standard for a kid of 8. Not to mention the teachers actually loved ur use of words and ur vocabulary and I still remember them commenting that u cud do wonders if only ur handwriting was a little more legible. I still remember being amused by it and talking to my mom about u. I guess ever since we had marked u as one of those absolutely brilliant kids in class.

Class 6/7: Your mom used to come to pick u up everyday from skool with your driver Kodandam. And I used to be given a ride almost everyy single day. The discussion I had with you about Mahanadi..seems to ring a bell rite now. U were like.." Mahanadi" is my favourite movie..(Aah...the way u usually talked - really fast, a little incoherent..it seems like yesterday!) and when I asked u why, u replied that it had 28 fight sequences with Kamal doing wonders in it. I jus thought u were such a git to like sumthing with so many fites. And of course u started off with ur passion for WWF and all those God-forsaken madcap wrestlers. Remember even having this discussion one day when we stopped at Adyar bakery for bit of a snack. Remember u laughing at me for not knowing wat a pizza was!!

Summer vacation every year, while I was your neighbour.. I used to come and raid ur library in your house. U had the best Enid Blyton collection I'd ever seen. I dont think any library in the besant nagar area had as many books as urs. And I remember hearing 2 words for the first time in my life - abominable & abhor - words that u used to describe your brother!! Ofcourse everyone knows how much u adored him calling him 'papa papa' every single minute, but i remember leaving ur house thinking "what the hell do those words mean?? How come ur vocabulary is sooo sound while ur just as old as me" and I still remember telling Kala and amma about it and they seconded my thots about how amazing u were in english. They were both like.."He's damn too brilliant. Sure IIT case"

Class 8: Goodd lord, its impossible to forget you in this year of my life. You and Sethu Sir...it was like a clash of the titans. U did all u cud to bug him and he did all he cud to pin u down. Remember him asking u to sit between Misha and me, as a punishment to your unruly behaviour in class. And still remember Misha and I drawing lines on that cramped table and defining territoriess!! Not to forget u had a hand in putting a cockroach on Radhika miss's chair when she came to class and calling her 'naathamandai"...remember u walkin to princi for that and coming back scoffing and feeling proud that u had amused the entire class. And then Krishna mam's talk - adoloscent counselling...how she laughed at us for being such kids. And then all of a sudden it was like we were adults and we had to think 'matured'. And the way we thought that the first sign of maturity was for gals and guys to go out for a movie together. All the planning we did at the "jungle-jym" with Jagatha miss eyeing on us every now and then. And finally all of us having to cancel that plan cos I guess parents dint permit sum of the kids! Still remember studying for project exams with u.. Ur sheer brilliance has always impressed me.

Class 12:Even though we were not in the same skool, I remember wondering that u'd surely make it to IIT. And when u din't, I remember all of us at home feeling sorry that it was jus hard luck. In our opinions u were one of those stud intelligent kids, and no matter how the results turned out, we always thot of u as iit material!!

I know there was a longg break and we dint pretty much stay in touch all thru college. But even when I met u 2 years back in the same driving class with Vicha, I remember we cud start off from where we left. It was amazing. And I still remember hitting my head with my hands and thinking..."aahhh hari, crazy as usual". Remember the driver saying u need to concentrate harder on the road in order to learn properly.

And now when I hear and realise that ur no more, it jus shocks me. All these thots seem to remind me of how much we all, the whole class, adored u for ur craziness, eccentricities, brilliance, ur behaviour, ur priceless imitations of PT and SethuSir, and for every small thing that made u YOU. You've left a deep impression in all of us, and although most of us may have never communicated that to u, we've loved u for every small thing. If I feel so shaken, i can imagine how horriblee ur family and ur first circle of friends mite be feeling. Lifes never gonna be the same for them without u. I simply pray that God gives them all the strength they need. And to you dear Hari Anand, may your soul rest in peace!

athiradeee kaaran...

A true Thalaivar fan cannot NOT whistle/scream/cheer when they c their superstar on screen. And well I being a hardcore Rajini fan, and sumone trained at the art of whistling (I don't care even if I brag about it..I know for a fact a lot of guys cudn't whistle..i mean 'seeti adikkardhu!!"), thats precisely wat I did when I saw the Boss for the 3rd time on screen on Saturday. And come on, thalaivar in the climax scene and the 'bajji kadai' scene ABSOULTELYYY rock. I mean the whole point of his flying in air for 2 mins and then landing on the ground, is only so that the fans can scream hysterically and cheer and worship him as he defies all laws of gravity! And I don't see any No-No's in displaying that passion and enthusiasm and excitement. But unfortunately not everyone in the theater felt the same way.. You expect people to realise that they are at a SuperStar's movie where ppl are bound to go craazzzyyyy (ofcourse within limits), and a lot of ppl infact pay to come to the theater and watch the crowd. However this time, and probably the first time in my life, I ended up having an argument with a pair of oldies in the theater.
I come out of the dark theater hall completely satisfied with my experience and I hear a pair of aunties (mite be 40-45) say... "Idhunga lam padikka varudha, velai panna varudha, illa whistle adikka varudhungala nnu therialai". I turned back to c who they were commenting about, and saw them looking at me with a kinda D look! I just walked out thinking..ok forget it. No point arguing here. I come out into the hallway, where the pair of them again give me the "look". I returned the D-look just as dutifully without saying a word...and walked out of the theater towards my car. My friends and I were standing outside discussing if it would be worth the experience to go for Sivaji in telugu, and after all the discussion, while my friends left, I saw the aunties inside. As I walked towards my car, I had this huge desire in me to go and talk to those aunties and find out wat their problem was in life. Honestly, I wudnt have cared if it were a bunch of guys jus passing a comment, but AUNTIES..mebbe a decade younger than my mom. I mean I REALLY wanted to know wat their purpose was in passing that comment.
So I wait for them to come outa the theater and confront them...

Me: Aunty, enna pathi edavdhu comment adicheengala??
Aunty/Aunties : Yen ammam..naanga edhuvum thappa sollaliye! What were u doing in the theater??
Me: Naan edhuvume pannaliye. I was jus sitting my place and whistling. And I was not the only one in the theater that did that!!
Aunty: Ya I know. But do u know the theaters a mess???
Me: Well, I dint tear any papers or fliers or anything. I was only sitting where I was and screaming and whistling.
Aunty (and now an uncle joins in..actually 2 uncles) : When u come for a movie, its a public place u should let the others watch the movie, not scream and shout.
Me: Aunty, neenga vandhirukardhu Superstar Rajini oda padam. Idhu oru youth movie. Inga vandhuttu whistle adikaadhey, kathadhey nna yaarum kekka maatanga!! Unga generation a yum enga generationa yum compare pannadheenga.

Inga daan seriaanaaaaaaa logic vuttaru andha uncleee...

Uncle: One second, This is the United States of America. People come to movies for some peace of mind. Do u scream like this at english movies???
Me: yes uncle, i do. At movies like Harry Potter and other youth movies I do. see peace of mind kku daan u have the comfort of watching the movie at home in a DVD. neenga public place kku vandhuttu adhuvum our youth padathukku vandhuttu kattadhey nnu sonna, its ridiculous. And well watever be it, those comments u passed were completely unwarranted.

Me to me: Yow, enda orru nyayam ya idhu...india la madras la thalaivar padathula whistle adikkalam thappu illa. Aana US of A la tamizh padathula whistle adicha thappu. Asingamaaana logic!! Theater nadatharavane onnum sollalai about the movie and the screaming...ivanga eppadi appidi oru comment pass pannalam!

Uncle: Illa..let me finish...
Me: Illa uncle, I dont think u need to finish what ur saying. Cos I dont think it matters or its gonna make any difference. Neenga solli its not gonna affect me in any way. ungalakku appidi comfort venumna veetla okkandhu padatha paarunga, velila vandhuttu ellarayum neenga expect pannara maadri nadakanum nnu expect panna deenga. And for hte last time, its a rajinikanth movie...

We ended the fite here and walked towards our respective cars. Meanwhile my friends came back wondering wat I was doing...and so did a lot of other students in the crowd, wondering why a GIRL was arguing like this..

Now honestly, I think the bigger problem was bcos I am a girl and I was whistling and screaming my lungs out. I dont think they would have bothered to pass a comment about all the guys that were in the theater doing the same thing that I did. But ponnu na panna koodadhu nnu avangaloda karuthu.. adhu yen?? I mean Im not here to justify an issue of gender bias or sumthing. And am not sumbody who goes about picking up an argument with every oldie I c..and not that i disrespect them, but the point that irritated me was when they said.. This is the US ofA..inga idhellam panna koodadhu!! Wat crap???? appidiye america naatu janathipathi ivanga lam!!

ennamo..thalaivar pera solli sandaye pottachu! orey adhiradee kaalam daan!! :) Avanga logic suthama sahikkalai..enna porutha varikkum naan pannadhula enda thappum illa! My only big wish...I wish they sit NEXT to me during dasavatharam/varanam aayiram or the next vijay movie, so I can show them how to whistle too!!
Jus found it very amusing!! :)

The ppl in me/Confusions ... and blah!

Been contemplating on this..
Every person I think has 2 different sides in him...the Romantic that feels with the heart and believes in doing wat the heart says and the Practical-ist that tries to think from the head and does according to wat is practically thot to be rite and wrong. Well dont immly look at me skeptically when I say 'romantic'. I'm obviously not referring to a love sick person running around trees or a person that cant keep away from the one he loves!!! I mean sumone that gives a lot of importance to emotions and does what he FEELS is right. He'd rather listen to his heart than his head. And the practicalist (That IS actually a word in dictionary.com!!), weighs out 'rationally' what should be done and should not, thinks several times b4 doing sumthing and does it only when he THINKS its fine to do it. I think these 2 sides make a person wat they really are. And as much as a fine balance of the 2 sides is needed in every individual, I personally think it is one of the hardest things in life to maintain that balance. I'm sure you've found urself in a situation with the 2 sides conflicting each other several times...and u ending up feeling wat is called 'confused', not knowing wat is the best thing to do!! Well atleast I've been in that situation, I dont know, like a zillion times mebbe. And everytime there is a conflict between the mind and the heart, I end up feeling like a confused idiot, a helpless person. How I come out of it is sumthing different...(either by talking to ppl or writing my diary or simply by praying for sanity!!) But as if this weren't enuff, sumtimes, the practicalist makes u think about a lot of other ppl (if it is a situation or decision involving other ppl), and u end up having to empathise for the other person/ppl as well. And that starts off a whole news series of problems.. about what u feel should be done, cos of wat YOU THINK is rite for u, and wat is expected outa u by the others. And well, sum ppl are lucky enuff to be able to say..No its jus Me..and wat I think and feel that matters... I dont care about wat the others feel/think...to hell with them. But if ur sumbody who gives a certain level of priority to others opinions (or atleast the ppl that matter), then its a huge conflict again! So in short its just a tuff life!! Ofcourse there are tonnes of solutions to every problem..and its jus about figuring it out. I agree. But it is the decision that makes life harder..and thats when the whole topic of "making choices", "being the better person" and all those kinda things seep in, along with the acceptance that life isnt always fair!

Well I know I started off on a different note, and I'm ending up on a completely variant thot altogether. Seems to make sense in my head...if it does to u as well, jus smile and move on (u cud leave a comment!!)...and if it doesnt, then forget it. its jus another rambling. (U can still leave a comment!!)

sarve jana sukhino bhavanthu

Last few weeks I've been thinking about the importance of the concept- "Sarve Jana Sukhino Bhavanthu"... meaning "Let all the people in the world be happy". When I was young I was always taught to say this one line at the end of every prayer...Pray for the happiness of others. But I never really had a chance to realise its significance. However, recently, I've had this situation where a lot of people in my life have been going thru real rough and stressful times, and I've been witnessing or listening to some of their problems. And well, although I'm pretty much having a smooth sail on my own, and although none of those worries affect me directly, I realized that I couldn't be very happy when ALL those close ppl were affected. Its like this...sometimes when u are cheerful, its not just nice, but also important to have another person receive that cheer and happiness from you and reciprocate in a similar manner. But when they are not in that position bcos of undue circumstances or situations, u feel not just empathetic but sumtimes sad too. And beyond a point u just personally want that person to be out of the problem and be all smiley and gay again. U wait for time to be the magic healer and start praying that they may be happy at the earliest...
So its true...sometimes for u to be happy, u DO need others around u to be fine and happy themselves...or atleast free of worries. The philosophy of Sarve Jana Sukhino Bhavanthu... or Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavanthu is indeed important.

:)

Am really happy for her!
I've heard her ramblings, her on n offs for several years now, the fights, the happy moments.
And even when she told me about it, the day the decision was made, or how it was made n how she felt, I dint feel quite as delighted as I feel today. Cos at some level I felt, she could do better. And well I hear that several people told her that. But today, when I see her, and hear her happiness, across from where I am, I feel really happy myself....more so bcos she seems so confident and so set upon it. Its amazing... shes been a kid in so many different things.. pampered....But as I see her today, I really want to admire her courage in taking the decision. I guess I couldn't do it if I were in the same position. It takes a whole lot of maturity and acceptance of situations and people. And talk about sticking to the decision and looking onto the future..its simply beautiful to c her do that.... shes looking forward to it with such enthusiasm and cheer, that it just brings a smile to my cheek and lots of warm thoughts in my head.
Lots of prayers that her happiness lasts for a lifetime....and so does mine! :)

Nostalgia

As sweet as its always been, all of a sudden it seems to prick me from deep within.
As much as I want to be back there and do all those things I cherished,
I realize its never gonna be the same again.
Really?? Thats impossible..it cant be gone forever.. I want to think..
But there r those deep silences which keep punching down the harshness of the reality in me.
And all of a sudden I realize..Good Lord, itll be such a void..devoid.
The nostalgia ....
And as I relive the times gone by, old and new..
I realize more n more that only time is my magic answer..
no..I dont mean to turn it back...
But I'm just waiting 'patiently impatient' for things and time to come by!

Dont blame me for being optimistic..
Im quite positive sumthings can never get over like that..
they are too many and too amazing to not have them back..
so there again..Im just waiting patiently impatient for things and time to come by!!

PS: 1. Do not try to make sense of this blog..Its for me!
2. Its 12.57 AM here!
3. Ive not attempted to write a poem or anything of the like here..its jus sum of my thots, but kinda masked..or so I like to think!

-Cheers-

Life's beautiful

Phew!! I just took a look at my previous posts..and my blogspot sounds damn too depressing to me! i think its about time i update this spot. Over the last month or so, Ive been wanting to blog about different topics..everytime Id start..but would lose enthu or would become busy...n so would jus let it be. Neways this one is jus a random one to change the mood or tone of my page..jus to remind myself that life is infact very beautiful- thats what ive been telling myself and feeling over the last month!

Lifes indeed beautiful - Acknowledgements..
Jan 20 - 8 am - sleepy thots - how the heck can one survive-walk in the cold?? - 'Surprise' - Raj, Lokesh, Shakthi - "vaaya saravana bhawan la poi saapdalam!!!" - dunkin donuts breakfast feast - lachcha - "bank la check deposit pannanum!!" - "hotel saravana bhawan" - lynden - car dealer - CARSS - "nee yen idha test drive panna koodadhu??" - test drive - hyundai accent 2000 model - "ennakku otta varuma??" - "nimmy slow va po...left turn edu, and ippo right..." - "i dint quite think ill be a part of a driving class too!! " - "ok vll take the car!!" - "Congrats on ur first car!!" - "WHATTTTTT???" - "All credit goes to Raj" - "saw car deals before coming to NJ - oru 60 - 70 cars paathruppen - liked this one - lokesh went from work yesterday and test drove it- was supposed to drive it and come - aana thot u shd see it urself..its ur first car nimmy!" - " learn to love ur car!" - "seriously WHATTTTT??" - bugs,amma,kala - "huhhhhh??? WHATTTTTT??? - sridhar - "huhhh...HUH!!! Sooperr ya!!" - sunday car pooja - bridgewater - nite drive to saravana bhawan - "aahaaa right edhu left edhu nnee therialaiye!!! "

Definitely the intentions are more valuable than the car itself. Thankx a tonne Raj for every thing in every small n big way. Thankyou Lokesh for all the practice driving over the summer and for test driving on the friday b4 THE saturday! :) thanx guyz.

Experience:
Learnt to do my first animal sacrifice in the name of science!! This was supposed to be a separate blog on its own...but as i said..lost enthu! Neways..i was horrified at the thot of having to 'sac' an animal...all thru the summer spent a lott of time pondering over if I could really do it..or could I give religion as an excuse?? after all in Hinduism, every animal...and particularly every lab animal is deified - mice, pigs.!!
I thought I had gotten used to the site of seeing and working with a bloddy carcass in front of me...and so infact was quite ok with the practice sessions..and the practice sac-ing.
But Feb 14, 2007 - valentines day..my third time with the sacing - I felt MISERABLEEE as i was killing those animals..ya i know its called "sacrifice" - oh but come on..death is death indeed watever u name it...i dont think i have cried so much in a whilee now..id sac a mouse and feel disgusteddddd with myself...would call my help line - 973-392-4312 - pour gallonsss - "I feel like a family member of mine is lying there in a blood pool!!" - come back feeling "ok its for science..its for mankind..its for science", would pop in some of those god - sent oreo biscuits, sac another mouse, loath myself for having chosen this field - would pep myself - sac another mouse and thats it..dial the hot line again!!!
God saved me that day!! Wont forget that day when I actually ate 27 oreo cookies...ya well chocolate and my friends do wonders to me in my life!!!

Anyways..no complaints wat-so-ever..getting used to it..haveta sac them...a post doc near me reminds me - " dontt say "im sorry" to those mice..u shd thank them for giving you the data that they r giving u..ur the first one to know about it..so thank them for that!"
neways..be it this logic..or the philosophy of the bhagavad gita which struck me the next day (b4 i had to sac 4 more mice) - "the Arjuna Factor " or " Karmanye Vadhikarasthe Ma Phaleshu Kadhachana, Karma Phala Hethur Bhur Mathe Sangosthava Karmani! - I think i will haveta get used to it..and Im quite positive I will... a post doc assures me .." trust me in 6 months..ull think anesthesia is waste of time..ull go in strait for cervical dislocation"
Thatttt..only time will tell .
(Lets not worry too much about some of the 'jargon' here - its to remind myself of my thots!!)

Another thot thats been in my head - I think its a really neat way to show urself Lifes beautiful!! A few days before valentines day - was reminded of mokshi - and her way of gifting herself for the 3rd year Valentines day. She'd made such a big hype in the wing about it ..like 3 days b4 val day or sumthing...and then 11 pm on val day..the wing saw the worlds uggliest bunny rabbit EVER!!! worth 200 buckss...not to forget she'd paid 10 bucks to gift wrap it ...jus to be opened by herself!! suddenly this episode struck me..and I personally think its one of the very beautiful ways to live...its a reminder to urself that u love urself..ur life, everything thats happening in it..and u want to treat uself cos ur happy about it. Either that...or ur having a not-so-grand period, and u want to tell urself that life aint all that bad afterall, or u want to treat or gift urself for having done sumthing huge....watever may be the reason..i think its a good sign..a healthy sign of living life!! So all of u whos reading this..find a reason to treat/pamper/gift urself..go spend that money and get urself sumthing precious n sumthing uve wanted for a long time!! :) its good n definitely worth it!!
Jus live and feel ur beautiful life!

choices

Last few days..Ive been having this question in my head..Why do we have situations in life where v haveta choose between two or more things v really want?? its really difficult to handle such things...i mean..its jus totally unfair. Whyy is it always "u cant bake the cake and eat it too" in most cases?? and over the last few days..or should i say few months...ive been having to make my choice...2 very difficult options posed ... a test of my priorities in life...and when i had to pick..it obviously was veryy very difficult..not jus for me but for the other ppl involved ..family n friends...and as unhappy as ive been that life is very unfair ...asking me to make choices...this is wat i read first thing in the morning

" In each ones life a moment comes when he has to choose between the Path and the muddle. You cannot put one foot here and one foot there. If you try to, you will be torn to pieces. A heart that does not choose is a heart that will die." - The Words of the Mother, Vol 14.

I guess thats how life is. You have very limited choices..sumtimes u get to make them urself...sumtimes they are made for u. Either ways u accept it as it is.

Thankyou Mother for those words of wisdom... an answer to some thots in my head. :) Pray that the others involved in the choices find peace. Love you always.

Ramblings..

honestly..its murphys law at its very best
lifes always very unfair just when ur begging it to become a ltl better!
cant wait for dm 07+10+02 to hopefully put things in order.
(easier to chek it here than my journal)

The order of the Phoenix

Last few weeks..espply the last 2 -3 days.. i feel like a phoenix. Dying - rising up...and dying again!! I guess stress does that to u! Damn the scientists (Brunet A et al. Science, 2004) that said that (mild??) stress causes increased longevity in organisms by trigerring stress resistance mediated by several pathways!! Well at this rate..i guess im gonna live really long!
Neways for all its worth..it is the order of the phoenix... u need to learn to rise up..and well ive deflly been trying to do that for the last few days..u need to learn to rise and to love urself...more importantly!! learn to cope with ur own self..expectations, deadlines, answers, questions, decisiveness, indecisiveness, blah blah!!!
am sure this blog is comprehendable only to me..and thats how its meant to be. so lets not try digging into the crap here.
And Im writing this blog, a day or 2 after the first preview of the 5th movie with the same title has come out. the movie is due 13th july 2007.
Neways...craziness rules!! confusion is the order of the day!! Live like a phoenix!! and home..here i come :)

oh god...not again !!

Jus when i thot i knew wat i wanted in life....ive been thrown off guard by 45 seconds of confusion!! (yep im pretty wierd!) Am beginning to get amused and worried at the same time..how do sum ppl REALLY know wat it is that they want? How do they say so assertively that this is wht they want to do..and well sum ppl even stick to it..i think thats absolutely amazing. but seriously HOWW do they do it??

Ive been going thru a whole load of stuff over the past 1 month, been pondering over things and decisions made over the last 1.5 years...and this time i really felt i knew wat i was doing...but bam!! sumthinng had to happen and jus throw me off my feet......makes me feel like a complete idiot..makes me get soo worked up about stuff..and there i sit down again trying to re-think wat it is that i want!! and i sit back n think...oh god! not again..please not another time of this doubtful indecisiveness!!! :( and this time, im as disappointed with myself as i was happy when i made the decision. so over the last 2 days..ive been trying to figure out the answer to the question...how do sum ppl really know wat it is that they want?? do they let time jus rule..and with time do they end up realising wat they want in life?? or do sum ppl jus grab it...and convince themselves that this is wat they waana do!! one of my friends felt that one never really knows wat it is..u jus haveta sumtimes work towards feeling glad about wat u have and feel happy about it..and eventually think that this is wat it is..or this was how it was meant to be...
either ways..i think ppl that really know wat they want...espply those that truly know within themselves and dont jus say so on the outside.. deserve to be admired and appreciated!! its amazing that they r so confident about wat they waana do....atleast in sumthing if not everything! and so as i spend moments thinking about this, i feel bad that im not there yet!! and i jus wait patiently impatient for things to dawn into me..i really hope the day breaks soon here!

(and while i actually tread thru these weak spots with time, i realize once again its my friends who are my pillars of support. and so even while i am going thru this self inflicted thot process, i really waana thank some of them for not jus lending an ear but also for being really supportive of me. Thanku..cant imagine carrying along so far without u folks!!)

anda naal nybagam nenjile vandhadhe nanbane..

Dedicated to those 4 years of PTM..

me: nanbane..bday update kodu!! :) priya raagangal la edavdhu onnu aavdhu swaram serndhudhha??? :P

JJ: priya raagangal-la onnu appapo srudhi saerudhu...
but most of the times... srudhi baedham dhaan... lots of pisiru !!!
idhu enna matter-nae puriya maataengaradhu !!!

me: sruthi bedham laam irukkardhu daan nalladhu....yenna thappana priya ragatha pudicha nnu vei..appo naraga sparisam daan.."sollunga dhaa" nnu nee sollikkite irukka vendi daan...nee enna daan irumbu kudhirai ya irundhaalum, paathu yosichu sruthi seru..illa nemesis daan!! "yen ivargal" ippadi irukeraargal? appdinu ponungla pathiyum priya raagangal pathiyum marupadiyum marupadiyum yosikka thonum..aana adhellam free a vittudu!! seri meendum sandhippom!!

aahaa..total nostalgia...sruthi bedham/naraga sparisam to yen ivargal..wat a wonderful journey it has been. i leave them here so i can look back at it and remind myself of those days.

my nervousness...

sumthing I jus emailed one of my friends today....

"Have u ever had to make a pretty huge decision in ur life.?? as in sumthing thats gonna determine ur life for the next few years atleast...and have u ever felt nervous about it??... lets say its a decision about a person and going and informing that person..have u felt nervous about it if ur making the rite decision or not??
went thru one of that jus a few hours back...ive been pretty confused abt which prof to choose as my mentor...had 2 options..both equally good..but pros n cons in both labs..so after several months of contemplation and decisiveness and undecisiveness .. i decided to choose the 2nd prof...and so today i wanted to inform him that i would like to work in his lab .... i walked in to his office to tell him Id like to choose him as my mentor...
and those 45-60 seconds while i was walkin to his office..i was sooo nervous..felt like one of my biggest decsions in my life...i doubt if ill be this nervous even when am gonna say yes to a guy or get married!!!!!
the feeling was kinda wierd..but priceless i shd say!!"

jus thot this is sumthing i waana remember for a long time to come..and decided to put it up here!