Nenjukkul Peidhidum Maamazhai...

I'm not a big fan of Harris Jayaraj. His tunes seem too cliched. But this song from Varanam Ayiram.. I seem to love it. I don't know whether its Hariharan's magic or the very mood I was in when I listened to this song for the first time. Either ways, this song always gives me a light-hearted feeling.. like Im floating in air. I'm totally reminded of the crisp fall morning 3 weekends back. Early morning.. all set to drive down on my own for 4 hours. Beautiful day. Me, myself and I driving down to DC. Thoughts of a prospective Georgetown trip and other ways to effectively enjoy my time. A thought that the weekend is gonna be great with P and K while still enjoying the drive on my own! :) And this song crooning loudly in my car while I smile on in anticipation of the weekend ahead. A true reminder of a good life!

Looney Degree..

A few typical looneyyyy hours in the lab....

Frustration at the lack of results even after several attempts => Disappointment and the peakkk of demotivation that the goal is not in sight => Irritation that the particular technique NEVER ever works in my hands => Self pity and sadness at the thought that I could be really leading a better life instead of being in the rut => Anger at the thought that I dont have a life (read more money, more time!!) and cannot think about it until I'm DONE => Pissed off with myself that I ain't doing much to get 'done' => Scolding myself for slacking out and not being able to get things to work => Telling myself "Comeon it can't be THAT hard..its not rocket science! How is everyone able to get the technique but me" => Challenging myself that its possible => Reminding myself that my graduation depends almost entirely on ME.. the amount i work => Reminding myself of the joy I get when I see a tick mark in my never-ending "to do" list => Finally finding the means to motivate myself and remind myself that its gonna be over sooner or later and I might as well do my best to finish faster!

And so the cycle continues..

Vijaya Dashami Wishlist

I'm sitting here milessss away and I'm suddenly reminded of the special day that Vijayadashami is.. especially if you want to learn something new. And I've been making a list in my mind for several months now about all those things I would love to do if and when I get done with my PhD. These are not career options.. but just hobbies. And today being Vijaya Dashami, I'll just pen them down here.

1. Recently I've been going crazy about learning Sri Rudram. I just LOVEE listening to it. Its like my instant medicine the minute I don't get results or when I feel low. Reminds me of my dearest "boyfriend" back home! :) When I keep listening to the CD over and over again, I just tend to learn the shlokas. But just recently I learnt that Sri Rudram should not be learnt on your own from a CD/book because we tend to mispronounce . You need to be taught by someone. :( I even tried looking for gurus in and around the jersey city area.. but couldn't find any. Mebbe the time is just not right. But let's see.. sumtime I SHOULD learn it.
2. Swimming - I've always felt terrible that I'm not the sports addict. I never really played any sport even as a young girl! :( And I still can't. Thankfully I know of sumthing I absolutely loveee doing, although I don't know how to do it!! I loveee to stay under water and "swim". But I need to get proper training. I considered joining YWCA here and even hunted for gym with a pool. But my crazy lifestyle has still not given me the time to accomodate a proper class. It gets too stressful.. and ahem.. its kinda unaffordable right now. So I guess I just better stay put till I call it "done" in the lab.
3. Salsa - Again... another thing I alwayss wish I could do is dance. I for some reason think I have two left feet..although I try and remind myself that I did dance a coupla times when I was in school. I should try and let my foot loose sumtime in life and learn dancing. Neways.. P and I and have decided that we will join Salsa classes together later when time permits.
4. Painting - I would loveeee to get back to dabbling with colors. I just simply loveee to do it..sumhow kindles the child in me. The problem with me is I get easily disappointed when what I draw does not turn out to my expectations. Dammnn.. I just hateee having grown up for this!! I soo wish I could still retain that child like curiosity and just try everything. It'd make life soo much more beautiful.
5 - Last but ofcourse not the least.. DEFINITELYY not the least..I want to get back to singing. The reason I put this at the last is because for this.. I don't really need to go in search of a teacher or classes. All I need is to just get the mind to plug in the shruthi box on a weekend and sing away! But laziness/work/ some stupid reason just comes in between and I dont do it. Shouldd get back to it.

So that's the wish-list for this Vijaya Dashami.
Its about time I got back to the rut .. experiments and results and the lack of it!
My Vijaya Dashami message to all my teachers.... Gurubyo Namah! :)

INSANITY speaks..

I feel like a character in a book. And I wish I could be the author.
Recent turn of events has made me wonder about a lott of things in life. My work.. going against my principles in life (animal treatment and sacrifice). The expensive negligence.. big mistake.. big bucks... all of it. And so all of a sudden I've been wondering how my life will be if I just haveta say gud bye...
I'm obviously in a trance. I'm probably letting the reins loose and I have wild horses in my head ..but WHAT IF?
And for sum reason.. i seem more relieved than scared?? Is that all bcos of my kriya?? I mean.. I shd be calm.. but this calm?? It surprises me.. and well the fact that the "What If" situation is actually bringing a smile to my face is actually quite shocking. Obviously I'm not thinking of it entirely.. and I probably shouldnt either. But neways now that I've started.. I mite as well....
options wud be to go back home. Satisfy my mom! She'd be HAPPY!! :) or just look for sumthing here. Neways.. whether I'm in or out.. I think I haveta redefine my passion.
I need to do sumthing which will make me happier. But will i ever get a chance to do that?I'm sure I'll just get sucked in once I finish.. I mean.. its a quagmire.. its never gonna end.. unless u opt to make a choice and say ur done trying to do the thing u absolutely loathe.
neways.. lets wait and c. ..
and now when i write this.. the reality is sinking in.. all of these choices are not gonna be applicable. im just gonna havetaaa do those things that I absolutely havetaaa.. theres no choice. too bad we arent born losers!! too bad we dont have the guts to say.."NO WAY..I aint doing this.. Ill just quit if u force me to". and well.. my sis was rite.. its a sucker.. this thing. its not gonna let me go sooo easily. I mite as well do the one thing that i shouldddd be doing rite now..instead of letting my imagination run wild like this.
Neways it was worth a thot.. I atleast know that its not the end of the world.. It never is actually.

But ya.. lets c....