And its April already..

• I can't believe the fourth month of the new year is gonna start! Well, the year isn't so new anymore. But why haven't the flowers bloomed yet? It's still very cold. I see buds trying to decide whether or not to bloom up and rid the trees of the bareness. But seems like this year is gonna be slow. The talk is of global warming but I seem to see a lot of global cooling... its been one of my worst winters.
  
• Lab wise - AHA season starts and all the madness with it. You start breeding all the different mice hoping to generate some crazy bigenics. And after a 21 day gestation period, hopefully you will end up with pups, which after another 21 days may be weaned. Every one is rushing about for echo dates! "Data" is the one thing every one in the department is after!
• The economy still seems to show no signs of improvement. Unemployment still on the high! I hope things change at the earliest.
  
• Meanwhile, my craze to do different things still continues. To get a dog at the earliest. To spend an evening painting/coloring. To learn to play the keys (read fumble around till I can get the tune). To spend every weekend doing something fun (that's probably one thing I am doing!!). To go traveling around. To write something totally "out of the box". To become an avid reader that feels like her life is going to end if she doesn't finish the book. Ofcourse all I can do right now is just Siggggggggggghhhhh! Plenty of desires. But no clue how to make them all a reality.

Observations

Here's my jotting in sheer vettiness..

1. I seem to have changed a LOT over the years. I'm doing things I never thought I would do. And I've let go of things I never dreamed possible.

2. Truth 1 - Ignorance is bliss. At times it's better to not know everything. I went sniffing around under a strong hunch and discovered some of the worst possible stuff! I felt shallow and small like never before in my life!

3. I have visited NYC more in the past 2 months (don't forget its peak winter!!) than I have in 4 years of stay in the NJ area. Visited the MET, went to my 3rd Broadway musical (Mary Poppins - was sheer brilliance), went on an amazinggg lunch cruise in the Hudson, and a circus in Madison square Garden! There's something or the other that comes up every weekend that fascinates me, and I have quite forgotten that I should actually be working at least 6 days a week.

4. Both the church and the temple serve holy water. In the temple(especially Vishnu temples), "theertham" is given in the Sannidhi/Sannidhanam (Sanctum sanctorum) after worship of the God, whereas in a Roman Catholic Church there is a small cup (Baptismal font) of holy water thats placed in the entrance of the church. In a temple, you drink the theertham and stroke your hair with it. In a church, you bless yourself by making a sign of the crucifix on your forehead.

5. Ashtavakra Gita (a discourse of 33 tapes as part of the Art of Living foundation) is a life changing experience definitely. But there is still a lot of resistance in me in accepting some things, especially the Guru!!

6. I realize I want to henceforth start writing properly, not omitting the capital letters or apostrophes!! This one's an attempt.

Ok, more to come later. For now Monsieur Hercule Poirot beckons.

Dear God..

Who am I trying to prove to.. wat am I trying to set right?

The true colors are out.. white and grey and black.

White you may be and black you mite think of me..

Check within you and you'll truly see

The rhyme, the reason, the truth.

You might cease to see it or tweak it..

But the truth is not for all to see..

So go on and on with your parade of words,

To all that come and go.

You think it is fake.. But I know I did the right.

You are joy abound yourself 

For the peace and tranquility.

Yet the "Aham" argues.. 

And so on goes the parade of words 

To all that come and go.

Who are You trying to prove to, wat are You trying to set right??

PS: Forget interpreting this post. 

The saga goes on and on and ON.. WHY??

What started off as an amazing talent show for brilliant singers is now going on as an never-ending saga! I'm talking about Airtel Super Singer. Season 1 was in 2006 and Season 2 was for kids under 12, in 2007. I started following the show on youtube in 2007, as I heard Krishnamoorthy and Vignesh croon away in the finals for the juniors. When I got to know that there was some good-hearted soul who was working over-time to upload the videos of Super singer 2008 on the net, I began following it every week right from the auditions of 4000 odd contestants in Chennai, Kovai, Tiruchi zones. I saw how Mahathi, Mathangi and Srilekha called Ravi's singing "flawless".. how Raginishri wept in one of the auditions with Deepen Chakaravarthi even after she was selected.. and even Chinmayi asking the camera man to get out while she was crying. All of that was earlier on in 2008. It finally came down from 4000 to 60 to 20 contestants by mid August 2008. And oh my God.. its been at that stage ever since as the contest for the final super singer is going on.. and well its March 2009, and there are still 6 singers left. I understand that the super singer really needs to be "super".. has to surpass several rounds of screening and testing. But this is like stretching the reality show to another remake of "Kyonki Saas bhi...."It never ends. The producer of the show, I guess, is thinking of this as the hen that lays golden eggs. He/She is trying to make as much money as possible.. wat with the high TRP ratings and the amazing viewership. But I think this needs to be in moderation. It gets annoying if the show does not move on. You've seen the top 10 singers show their versatality in different rounds. And just when you think its moving ahead and in 10 weeks hopefully you will know who the super singer is.. they have a recall round.. first to be judged by the contestants itself.. and the next week to be judged by a panel of judges. And eventually the people that got eliminated come in.. only to be eliminated sooner or later. I know its rather mean on my part to say this.. but that is really not my intention. Its just annoying to see that the show is stuck with no significant happenings. Its going as slow as an inebriated turtle that decides to rest after taking 2 steps!! Not to forget the masala that the producers are adding to it.. Oh did I forget.. its a REALITY show.. ofcourse it has the masala. But please have mercy on the viewers and the contestants and let this show move on a little faster!! A few sensible people who have realized that a lot is lost with the never-ending saga that this show is becoming, have quit. Chinmayi who was the hostess of the show quit early January saying she had to focus on other things.. primarily her singing. And last week, it was a contestant Rohit. He said he had to get back to his academics and his attendance was at stake. Yes, he could have said this earlier and could have given up his spot for another contestant.. but who can blame him. Its the first quarter of 2009 already, and we have no hopes of knowing who the super singer is going to be until summer probably! Or maybe even that is very early for the crew at Vijay TV. I actually pity the contestants and the judges.. I'm guessing atleast a few if not all will be dying for this show to end.. so that they can get on with their lives!
Please dear producers.. get the show moving on. Get to the finals. The juniors are waiting for the auditions for airtel super singer 2009. Have mercy on dumb viewers like me.. who'd rather crib about the show.. than quit watching Ravi, Vijay, Prasanna, Renu and the others croon away!

2008 Recap - Welcome 2009

As the new year begins, I want to make a small recap of my life the past year.
Lab wise.. no complaints. Got done with the quals which I've been postponing endlessly. It doesnt seem to matter in any way now that I've completed it, but until u finish it.. its always sumthing that keeps nagging u. U just feel kinda stuck.. and not finishing it makes u postpone a whole load of other important stuff.
The past year.. I've had several chances to reflect on my thought processes and my priorities. Its been quite revealing. I've had the help of the upper hand to set lotsa things right. Notions on people and places have been corrected. I've been proved wrong twice. And I'm quite thankful for that. I thank Her for setting things right and showing me the way things ought to be done. I recollect soulful prayers and heart-warming responses. My outlook on a bunch of things has changed. I'm doing sum things which I never thought I'd do in my life. The best part is I know I'm being monitored and that for some and every reason makes me feel secure and safe. Thankyou dear for that. Ok I dont intend to make this post a soulful journal entry.. but again I had to give thanks where it was due. And so here it goes.. I close my eyes and mutter a hugeeee heart-felt thankyou! :)
Newyear's eve was great. Had a blast with my near and dear friends who seem like family.. now to think of all the years I've spent with them. A few of 'em will enter into a new phase of life this new year and I had a chance to wish them the very best. There was a streak of emotionality in me as I realized wat an important part of my life they have actually been for hte past few years and months. Life would obviously be a void without the joy and fun and smiles they bring in me.

I am happy with the way 2008 shaped up and ended and I have small and big dreams for 2009. I will keep jotting 'em down as and when they unfold.

hmpf..

And yes.. just when the balloon starts flying.. there will be these few spoilt sports who'll just want to prick it and deflate it and not let your happiness last even for a few minutes!
Wat jackasses!!

Enjoying the small things in life

Aroma therapy Tranquil mint, My neww scrabble board, enjoying Reethigowlai at its best.. Lab wish lists - 2 conferences, FINALLY will get done with quals after years of postponement, 2 sets of transgenic mice, a few most-wanted viruses in the making.. All of this is bringing cheer in my life.. not to forget christmas and the new year is just around the corner.
Finally one of those days where the small things that usually wud be insignificant adds a smile to my face! :)

Within Attraction

I am yet to find the perfect superlative to describe the feeling I get every single time I listen to this song. I just absolutely loveeee this composition. It's sumthing I've grown up with. I can't remember ever studying for an examination without this song, and infact the whole album "Yanni -Live at the Acropolis" crooning away in the background. This composition especially is the perfectttt piece to listen to.. when ur stressed out..if you need inspiration in life.. when theres a hugee challenge ahead of you and ur lacking self confidence.. or when ur down in the dumps. I would have listened to this piece I don't know.. some N million times... and yet EVERYY single time.. I'm left speechless. I get goose bumps.. and there is always that small tear in the corner of my eye. It's like a magic potion that fills my heart instantaneously. Its simply amazing what the sound of different instruments in unison does to me. Yanni is one of the best musicians I've listened to who makes awesome compositions with 7 beats, unlike the traditional 4 or 8 beats in Indian music. I honestly owe a lott of my emotions and memories to Yanni's music. Long live composers like these that make music that touches you.. lets just say direct dil se!! Here's the link to the video for those of you that haven't seen it. Enjoyy the violin duel between Karen Briggs and Shardad Rohani!





WOW!

Nenjukkul Peidhidum Maamazhai...

I'm not a big fan of Harris Jayaraj. His tunes seem too cliched. But this song from Varanam Ayiram.. I seem to love it. I don't know whether its Hariharan's magic or the very mood I was in when I listened to this song for the first time. Either ways, this song always gives me a light-hearted feeling.. like Im floating in air. I'm totally reminded of the crisp fall morning 3 weekends back. Early morning.. all set to drive down on my own for 4 hours. Beautiful day. Me, myself and I driving down to DC. Thoughts of a prospective Georgetown trip and other ways to effectively enjoy my time. A thought that the weekend is gonna be great with P and K while still enjoying the drive on my own! :) And this song crooning loudly in my car while I smile on in anticipation of the weekend ahead. A true reminder of a good life!

Looney Degree..

A few typical looneyyyy hours in the lab....

Frustration at the lack of results even after several attempts => Disappointment and the peakkk of demotivation that the goal is not in sight => Irritation that the particular technique NEVER ever works in my hands => Self pity and sadness at the thought that I could be really leading a better life instead of being in the rut => Anger at the thought that I dont have a life (read more money, more time!!) and cannot think about it until I'm DONE => Pissed off with myself that I ain't doing much to get 'done' => Scolding myself for slacking out and not being able to get things to work => Telling myself "Comeon it can't be THAT hard..its not rocket science! How is everyone able to get the technique but me" => Challenging myself that its possible => Reminding myself that my graduation depends almost entirely on ME.. the amount i work => Reminding myself of the joy I get when I see a tick mark in my never-ending "to do" list => Finally finding the means to motivate myself and remind myself that its gonna be over sooner or later and I might as well do my best to finish faster!

And so the cycle continues..

Vijaya Dashami Wishlist

I'm sitting here milessss away and I'm suddenly reminded of the special day that Vijayadashami is.. especially if you want to learn something new. And I've been making a list in my mind for several months now about all those things I would love to do if and when I get done with my PhD. These are not career options.. but just hobbies. And today being Vijaya Dashami, I'll just pen them down here.

1. Recently I've been going crazy about learning Sri Rudram. I just LOVEE listening to it. Its like my instant medicine the minute I don't get results or when I feel low. Reminds me of my dearest "boyfriend" back home! :) When I keep listening to the CD over and over again, I just tend to learn the shlokas. But just recently I learnt that Sri Rudram should not be learnt on your own from a CD/book because we tend to mispronounce . You need to be taught by someone. :( I even tried looking for gurus in and around the jersey city area.. but couldn't find any. Mebbe the time is just not right. But let's see.. sumtime I SHOULD learn it.
2. Swimming - I've always felt terrible that I'm not the sports addict. I never really played any sport even as a young girl! :( And I still can't. Thankfully I know of sumthing I absolutely loveee doing, although I don't know how to do it!! I loveee to stay under water and "swim". But I need to get proper training. I considered joining YWCA here and even hunted for gym with a pool. But my crazy lifestyle has still not given me the time to accomodate a proper class. It gets too stressful.. and ahem.. its kinda unaffordable right now. So I guess I just better stay put till I call it "done" in the lab.
3. Salsa - Again... another thing I alwayss wish I could do is dance. I for some reason think I have two left feet..although I try and remind myself that I did dance a coupla times when I was in school. I should try and let my foot loose sumtime in life and learn dancing. Neways.. P and I and have decided that we will join Salsa classes together later when time permits.
4. Painting - I would loveeee to get back to dabbling with colors. I just simply loveee to do it..sumhow kindles the child in me. The problem with me is I get easily disappointed when what I draw does not turn out to my expectations. Dammnn.. I just hateee having grown up for this!! I soo wish I could still retain that child like curiosity and just try everything. It'd make life soo much more beautiful.
5 - Last but ofcourse not the least.. DEFINITELYY not the least..I want to get back to singing. The reason I put this at the last is because for this.. I don't really need to go in search of a teacher or classes. All I need is to just get the mind to plug in the shruthi box on a weekend and sing away! But laziness/work/ some stupid reason just comes in between and I dont do it. Shouldd get back to it.

So that's the wish-list for this Vijaya Dashami.
Its about time I got back to the rut .. experiments and results and the lack of it!
My Vijaya Dashami message to all my teachers.... Gurubyo Namah! :)

INSANITY speaks..

I feel like a character in a book. And I wish I could be the author.
Recent turn of events has made me wonder about a lott of things in life. My work.. going against my principles in life (animal treatment and sacrifice). The expensive negligence.. big mistake.. big bucks... all of it. And so all of a sudden I've been wondering how my life will be if I just haveta say gud bye...
I'm obviously in a trance. I'm probably letting the reins loose and I have wild horses in my head ..but WHAT IF?
And for sum reason.. i seem more relieved than scared?? Is that all bcos of my kriya?? I mean.. I shd be calm.. but this calm?? It surprises me.. and well the fact that the "What If" situation is actually bringing a smile to my face is actually quite shocking. Obviously I'm not thinking of it entirely.. and I probably shouldnt either. But neways now that I've started.. I mite as well....
options wud be to go back home. Satisfy my mom! She'd be HAPPY!! :) or just look for sumthing here. Neways.. whether I'm in or out.. I think I haveta redefine my passion.
I need to do sumthing which will make me happier. But will i ever get a chance to do that?I'm sure I'll just get sucked in once I finish.. I mean.. its a quagmire.. its never gonna end.. unless u opt to make a choice and say ur done trying to do the thing u absolutely loathe.
neways.. lets wait and c. ..
and now when i write this.. the reality is sinking in.. all of these choices are not gonna be applicable. im just gonna havetaaa do those things that I absolutely havetaaa.. theres no choice. too bad we arent born losers!! too bad we dont have the guts to say.."NO WAY..I aint doing this.. Ill just quit if u force me to". and well.. my sis was rite.. its a sucker.. this thing. its not gonna let me go sooo easily. I mite as well do the one thing that i shouldddd be doing rite now..instead of letting my imagination run wild like this.
Neways it was worth a thot.. I atleast know that its not the end of the world.. It never is actually.

But ya.. lets c....

The Art of Living

My mom and sis have taken the "Art of living" course. My sis especially patronizes it immensely and thinks that the course has helped her a LOT..which it has. It has helped her tremendously in dealing with her stress. After much inspiration from her, I registered for the course and it started yesterday.
I'm not supposed to be giving out details about what we do/learn in the course.. and I dont intend to either. But there are a coupla things from all this that I waana remember which is why Im writing em down here.
As has been said in the course, I do experience varying emotions. I infact feel LOONY.. thats the word. At one moment I feel completeeellyy joyous and at the other I feel low and lousy.Totally erratic. But the best part is I am allowed to feel all this without feeling bad about feeling bad!! That I think is sumthing I waana hold on to for the rest of my life. When we feel bad about sumthing, I think its just better if you feel it and let it go sooner or later. But when you start feeling bad about feeling bad, it only makes things worse. You feel so uneasy and stressed out for what...for feeling bad! It just stresses you out more. When ur feeling bad, just ACCEPT it and let it be. Dont feel terrible about it.
But as moody as I might feel now or for the next 3 days of the course, there is sumthing thats just absoluteeelyyyyy wonderful in this course and that is the Sudarshan Kriya. Its an indescribable feeling. Its an amazing thing which I think every individual HAS to experience. We aren't allowed to give any details, and I think thats very good, bcos no amount of verbal description can really summarize what you go through the first time you do the kriya. Its a true adventure which you musttt experience yourself, and I think its sumthing which I am gonna cherish for the rest of my life. Its brilliant the way your body reacts. Absolutely awesome and a totally priceless experience. :)

Of life, actors, family and America..

Am coming back here after a while. Been planning to blog about random stuff, but haven't found the time. Neways heres a gist of sum of the things Ive been thinking about in the recent past..
1. Life's been beautiful. Attended a good conference. Did a lot of fun stuff in the name of attending the conference.. Kayaking, Horse back riding, Bungee trampoline jumping (NO, its NOT the same as bungee jumping!!), White water rafting in the Colorado river. Had a prof ask me to come to his lab for a postdoc!! :) And lot of such stuff. After a really hectic 2-3 months, finally caught up on sleep and relaxed and lazed around in the beautiful Keystone, CO. All the relaxation has finally made me catch up on my spirits and made me realize that life always has been splendid!
(PS: Its a fabulous place.. its famous as a ski resort.. its just one of the reallly awesome places to visit.)
2. I just realized I really like to watch heroines like Kajol, and Tabu. I really like Konkana Sen too, but Kajol and Tabu are my favourites. Kajol is just very naturally instictive, and Tabu is just immensely talented. I think every other heroine is a turn off. To see Bipasha Basu, katrina Kaif, Kareena Kapoor and the whole herd of them shaking their boobs and butt around is such a turn off. Not that Kajol and Tabu havent done that ..but sumhow I think these 2 can really ACT. And I feel none of the other females in bollywood can even come close. Its just sick to see them dance around in skimpy clothes and do what they claim to be sexy. If there is any woman whose Matkas and Jhatkas I can look at, it is only Madhuri Dixit. Bcos hers were original. I guess she is the one and only 'Dhil Dhak Dhak' queen and I think all of these current heroines follow her style of doing it and it just seems so cliched to watch em all. I just turned on the TV this morning and incidentally saw a Bollywood program and I realized its quite repulsive bcos of all these semi clad heroines who are just all over the place.
3. Been wanting to blog about how it is to be brought up in a family of women. I wanted to write a detailed post, but realized I dont have the patience or the tiem for it. I realized that when you are raised in a family with 2 other women (my mom and my sis) and only women, you are just very naturally told to be strong and to feel strong in ur head. There is no room for weakness of mind. You learn to be both a son and a daughter to ur mom at times just like how she plays the role of both parents to u. U are made to feel that nothing is impossible in the world just bcos u are a woman. U look around you and u find 2 living examples of sensible, mature, strong, level headed women who know what they are doing with their lives and with the lives of those dependent on them and u very naturally and instnictively try and emulate them. U are just very naturally an independent person. At the same time u are also taught to be flexible in thoughts cos a woman plays a very important role in holding the family together. When u grow up with only women around u, u forget how exactly the male species can be with their thoughts and actions and it can just totally puzzle u. They like more emotionally dependent women while on the contrary ur thought to be a fighter.. atleast emotionally.. to be strong. They want u to be a little more romantic, while right from the beginning (especially with folks like mine) ur just by nature taught to be more practical and sensible.. not to be the dreamy eyed princess of the skies, but the go-getter who should try hard to find a place in the male dominated world. And it is quite a task if u waana change sum of those things to fit in with men. -phew!!- :)
4. To America.. I think one of the best things Ive learnt after coming here, is to be open minded about people and customs and religion. When u see universities and companies taking pride in saying "We are an equal opportunity university. We show no discrimination based on color, caste, sex,creed or religion", you actually realize that is the right way to live, to give everyone an equal chance. My thoughts and priorities changed a lott after coming to this country.. just the very way I look at different religions and they way I let that affect my life has changed with time and exposure. What I feel and believe in is quite difficult for my own mom to comprehend, but thats just the way it is.

So thats all the rambling I'm gonna do now. Ill probably let the cobwebs rest here for a while... or mebbe not. Lets c.

Just a thought..

A thought after random searches on google and wiki...
I found that people in some parts of China (Southern China ) eat snake meat and a LOT of other different types of meat... eel, quail, snake, turtle, dog, (cat .. not sure). Actually I think they eat any animal they can lay their hands on. And well if they do practice any religion in their country, then it is Buddhism, for the most part of it.
Hey, but wasn't Buddha's main teaching and principle compassion to ALL creatures and ABSOLUTE nonviolence to any living being? So how come it is that countries which strongly follow Buddhism, or atleast claim to do so, do not follow this?

I guess the same question can be turned on us. Hinduism preaches the same thing.. compassion to all living creatures. But do all Hindus refrain from eating meat?
I guess its all changes thatve taken place with time. Its difficult to track 'em down.

I got the answer to my thought while I was writing this post.

One of my other characteristic posts...

Whyy do sum ppl have that irritating habit of telling u negative things even before u actually start sumthing/ fully venture into sumthing?? Its annoyyinngg. Seriously.
The guy and gal (MR and MS) I have in mind arent really bad ppl to work with. They arent bad scientists either. Mebbe its just me... mebbe I'm just over reacting or probably just reacting!! But sumtimes u really need a motivating environment especially when u have to dig out and find sumthing which nobody else has actually seen. I'm not gonna go on n on n on relentlessly. I know this blog is turning out into sumthing grim with scribblings about frustrations and lab and grad skool life. But this is sumthing I probably need to remember...

Wed-thurs last week: Get results totally deviant from the hypothesis. Reason: New technique tried. MR scares me a lot saying probably this is the correct result and not the ones I've got previously and so obviously I'm in deep trouble b4 AHA-summer. (Ironically MR works on the same topic of interest as me. And its only me and him that know the details and intricacies of the topic in the whole lab of 18. In a big lab, the prof has no time to micro-manage and analyze every single result. So you take the help of postdocs like MR.)
Fri: i spend time trying to plan expts with different techniques and different users. MR is included along with another nice chappie. Spend time until 2:30 am working on the darted western blot. Meanwhile I also figure out that my invivo (inside the mouse) and invitro (outside the body, in a manipulated environment) data dont seem to match at all. So now I am myself jittery with my results.
Sat: Walk in to my prof's and discuss with him the results. I ask him..
1. Is the hypothesis wrong since data dont match? "No. I think its ok."
2. Can we still publish with contradicting data? Wont people question us blah blah.. "Oh noo.. dont worry. We'll figure out a way to publish. Its ok. Just carry on working. This is science. Everythings not straitforward. We will figure it out. You should be happy your project and results are actually not letting u sleep and keeping u awake all night!!"

?????????
.... Anyways.. so the green signal's out from THE man himself.

Tues: I discuss with MR. I tell him invivo I dont get the same data for which he yellss.. "OHHH noooo.. thats really bad. Its IMPOSSIBLEEE to publish with opposite data. i dont believe your data. I dont believe your hypothesis. I dont want to be a part of this at all. Dont include my name in the paper. I've never seen anyone publish like this. I dont think its going to be ok. Its just not possible. Your data and your results dont make any sense."
Well let me just say that MR always is in a nervous state of mind. The smallest of things can irritate and excite him. U can see his blood pressure, his adrenalin and possibly a lot of his "stress response markers" shoot up every now and then. If there is anything different from the way he thinks.. and if he cannot understand it.. and espply if the data is from me... he is ready to have a nervous breakdown with a bout of screams and facial distortions and animations. And almost eventually he'll either look out for MS or the nice chappie to discuss and crib about the inconsistencies of my data or probably how I am generating wrong data... and all of this is done in languages I cannot understand.. either Japanese or whispers!

So at the end of the day.. when you are yourself a wee bit scared about how you are actually gonna pull it off till the fag end with such variable data the last thing you'll want to hear is a post doc coming and yelling at u the way MR did today. It just stresses you out a lot more.

Neways, the key is to NOT REACT. just dont care about such people. Simply carry on with the faith that someday He will show you His way of making things work, which then ironically you can claim as your discovery and write papers about and be lauded by a few and criticized by most others.

PS: The problems I have with a highly nosy and prying MS will be posted when they get on my nerves more!

The spiritual me -1

I've always wanted to make another blog called thespiritualme@blogspot.com or sumthing like that. But havent done it yet.
Neways.. heres an article I wrote about complete surrender to God. Wrote it for a news letter that came out as part of a Sai Temple.

REF: http://www.thesaifoundation.org/saiJoomlaProd
/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=131&Itemid=79

True Surrender – The easy way to live life

Almost every religion that exists, that I know of, believes in complete and total surrender to God – the concept of Poorna Sharanagathi as can be said in Sanskrit. So what really is “total surrender”? And what is the purpose of doing it? I just searched for the words “to surrender to God” in Google and I found a good explanation on one of the sites.

“Surrender means to yield ownership, to relinquish control over what we consider ours: our property, our time, our"rights". When we surrender to God, we are simply acknowledging that what we "own" actually belongs to Him. He is the giver of all things. We are responsible to care for what God has given us, as stewards of His property, but by surrendering to God, we admit that He is ultimately in control of everything, including our present circumstances. Surrendering to God helps us to let go of whatever has been holding us back from God's best, for our lives. By surrendering to God, we let go of whatever has kept us from wanting God's ways first.”

http://www.allaboutfollowingjesus.org/surrender-to-god.htm

Complete surrender is one of the most difficult things to do in life. It’s simply impossible for most people to just “give up” everything to God and tell Him that He is the one who’s got to take care of everything; the biggest obstacle in the way being our ego. Ego is a conscious feeling of your self and identity, the knowledge of ‘I’, the thought that ‘I am me’. It is when we start thinking that we are the doers of the action and we are the ones to bear the fruits of the actions. It is one of the root causes for most problems and confusions in life. Very few people actually get the courage to acknowledge the fact that in reality there is someone up there who is actually controlling our reins and executing things according to His will and wish, and we are nothing but mere instruments in the process. So is there any need for all the ego and fights when there is only He?

What does it really take to surrender? To surrender is to simply have 100% faith and confidence in the Divine that He WILL take care of you. He may toss you around through different really difficult situations in life, from which you believe that you just cannot come out. But all you actually need to do is to simply surrender to Him and tell Him that since He is the one that’s putting you through all the problems, its His responsibility to get you out of it as well. And well, believe it or not, He will do it! After all His whole purpose of creating problems in people’s lives (and eventually getting them out of them), is to show that He is there. We just need to believe in His presence firmly, with a lot of faith and trust. Surrendering is like a magic potion. It is the one thing that can keep you stress free, and keep you happy despite the turmoil you may face in life because once you surrender to God, you want His will to be done and not yours. And so you are prepared for anything to happen. You leave aside your opinions of what may be the best or worst in the situation and you start being open hearted and open minded. It silences the confusions in you and keeps you ready to accept anything that may happen. You just learn to accept it without much ado and complaints, and rather happily that, that was how things were meant to be. And so you start looking at things beyond the problem/ confusion and start living up life.

And so, how exactly do we surrender? In my personal experience I have seen that writing to Him is the easiest way to do it. One way is to keep a diary and write letters to Him in it. Make it a habit to jot down all your thoughts, dreams, problems, confusions, prayers whenever time permits. Try and share everything with Him- the wildest dreams to the deepest fears. Usually when you look back at your previous diary entries or your previous letters, you WILL find that He has taken care of most of it. Suppose you reported confusion in your life and didn’t know how to handle it then, after you write a letter of surrender to God, the problem usually will get solved or answered by the time you actually check on it again. Here at Kalpataru Sai Nilayam, Rev. Mira Sai Maa graciously reads out letters of devotees in private to Shri Baba. You can just visit the website at http://www.thesaifoundation.org/ and submit your prayers there. Just write down whatever you will and please, and it will be read out very soon to Baba. And before you even realize, most of your problems will be attended to and taken care of by Him. It is our great fortune to have Baba listening to all our prayers here at Kalpataru Sai Nilayam. So, even if you are in the middle of work and are just completely frustrated with something, don’t let it nag you inside out. Just submit your prayers there, surrender everything to Him and leave it. He will attend to it. Of course, we have to learn to wait patiently for Him to act on it. Don’t let the mind run wild while you are waiting on it. Simply believe that He will look on to it. And once you think that He has solved your problem or confusion, let’s not forget to thank him for it. Thanksgiving to God is extremely important. We should tell him periodically that we are happy for everything He is giving us and especially for taking care of us.

So, just surrender to Him. Leave all your problems aside with Him, asking Him to take care of them, and learn to live life happily and to enjoy even the smallest of His creations. Surrendering is probably the healthiest way to deal with stress and to live life happily and it definitely is the right thing to do.

Sai Ram.

PS:

Ok, I know a lot of people actually thought that I am completely frustrated in life after reading my last post. Well, I was frustrated just before I wrote that post, but blogging it all out helped me calm down a lot. I know I've said this before.. this hobby of blogging has become more of a habit to vent out frustrations, disappointment, happiness and so on. I find that it brings clarity to my thoughts and helps me think of one thing at a time. And 5 years from now.. when I get outa this phase called PhD, I am sure I will want to read about all the blahs and frustrated AAAHHHs that I went thru to get the darted degree. Neways, I just thought I should include this postscript b4 I write my next post.. cos quite a few friends actually thot that I might drop outa the degree in all the frustrations. Hopefully She will gimme the strength to face it all.
"Nadukadalil sendre vizhinum, karai ettrugai Nin Thiruvullame" !

Piled Higher Deeper in frustrations

AAH!!! This post is gonna be a quick gist of the frustrations most students go thru while doing their phd..

1. Lab work - When u really want sumthing quick and fast, things wont work. u'll haveta end up troubleshooting from scratch. Change the buffer, change the reagents, the antibodies, the samples. And when you finally get results after a week or 2, the prof will no longer be enthused to hear about that project. He will want to know your progress on sumthing else which will be on the bottom rung of your priority list. and so ull remake your "To DO list".. only to realize that ull have stacks of them around u and that they are never gonna end.
2. Personal life - If you are in a relationship while doing your phd... oh forget it please. You will really not have any time on the phone or on the myriad messengers or in person. And every time u want to do sumthing, u will end up thinking about lab work in the background. Everything will be consciously timed according to the lab clock.
3. Parental pressure - When you are a single PhD student (espply an Indian girl), forget it. Your parents will call you and tell you that all those other "chamathu" girls and even guys are getting married while you haven't even settled down in life as yet. You don't have a job. You don't know when you will graduate. They will ask you if they can start looking out for you, and quite unfortunately when the boys side get to know that the girl is doing a phd..the first question they will ask is "When will she be done?"
4. Spousal pressure - If you are doing a PhD after you are married, a lot of times, the guy wont understand why it is soo important for u to be in the lab instead of just cuddling around doing nothing or just cooking food at home. Not to forget the pressure of having to bear children.
5. Pressure from friends - You think that most of your friends will understand when you say its a phd. But no.. they will be tease you for having such a miserable life..and a lot of them will also mean it that you are probably not fit enuff to have fun cos ur always stuck in the lab. And then youll also have those one or 2 "Namoone"s who'll think that you break appointments with them intentionally. They cannot understand that you were stuck in the lab with experiments. they will think u did it intentionally out of dislike for them or to back snap them or sum crap.

So ultimately what does a phd do to u...
it makes your life completely miserable. You can no longer have a peaceful stress free life. Everything you do revolves around conference deadlines and abstracts and papers. You think of experiments day in and out. You lose every tinge of romanticism in you. You look at things from a point to point perspective and try to work on things in the same manner, while some people expect you to look at the whole picture. You will defly not live upto anyones expectations.. Ur profs, ur parents, ur spouse or boyfriend/galfriend, ur friends...and so to say it.. ur own for after all you will have some expectations to live ur life in a more jolly n happy manner.. but trust me u cannot do it. Just dont expect yourself to be normal with the amount of pressure and stress you go thru while slogging ur butt off for this degree.

Well I know everything that goes wrong in life is not cos of the phd.. but a lot of times it is. Just accept it and live with it. Thats all the sacrifices you've got to make for this God forsaken degree. Its a hugee sacrifice and a hugee thing and probably a few who are there in it with you will understand it.. (trust me..again not all phds will understand what other co-species go thru! some will try to make ur life more miserable by either telling u that ur not just as good as them cos they were very successful and things went very easy for them)
So to the few of u thats reading this.. U really dont want to do a phd. And if you do plan to do it, then get geared up to have a total rollercoaster ride. Only that this ride is down in the dungeons with no light except sumwhere right at the end.

Choices.. part 3

A summary of my mom's words as she and I were talking about choices... those made..those that we are compelled to make...

The very fact that you are able to make a choice is a sign of maturity. To not be confused and to attempt to remain focussed and clear is itself a good thing. And what is important is not just to make the choice, but to stick to it. So if you've decided..if you've chosen to do sumthing..stick to it and do it. It helps to not wobble around. Reflecting on your choices and verifying at each stage if what you've done is right is ok..but dont let that confuse you. Just stick to it and keep the faith going!

The words came as a real relief. Thank God for my mom.