Choices...Part 2

Heres a thought...
Sometimes u have situations in life where u REALLLLYY really want sumthing..it matters to u a lot. And as much as you want it, there are some of ur absolutely close and true well wishers that try to tell u that ur better off without it...and also tell u that theyd be happier without it. So what do u do in a situation like that??? When u stand up for urself and try to put ur foot down, can it be perceived as selfishness?? And is that even fair in the first place??? Does that mean that ur just being blatantly rude and indifferent to their desires while trying to figure out ur own?? How do u explain that as much as u wish to stand up for wat u want, u also really crave that they be happy cos of u?? Quite a complex situation to handle...chasing ur own dreams vs satisfying others... Its always a difficult thing to choose.
I guess, it will boil down eventually to they being happy if ur absolutely happy with ur decision. But until the time that u can prove to them that u ARE really happy, and until the time that they are convinced...its tuff ..a really tuff journey. And only time as usual will bear answers and justifications to everything done. I guess u jus gota hold on until then...and pray that God gives u an opportunity again to show those ppl that really really matter that they still mean the world to u and that u did not mean to let them down jus cos u stood up for sumthing u wanted.

-----This post goes out as a dedication to 3 of the most important ppl in my life. -------

Pul arikkara scene...

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE this dialogue from Thiruvilayadal! I would have watched this movie some n million times all for this dialogue stretch, and simply for Nagesh's acting. Totall nostalgia... Enakku fullaaa arichu pochu!


An all time favourite dialogue ....

"kelvigalai nee ketkiraya, alladhu naan kekkatuma??"
aa..nee kekkadhey! naane kekkaren. enakku kekkadaan therium!
kelum
satru porum!
Kelum..

Pirikka mudiadhu ennavo??
Tamizhum Suvaiyum!

Pirikka koodadhadhu??
edhugaiyum monaiyum!

Serndhey irupadhu??
Varumayum pulamayum!!!

Seradhirupadhu??
Arivum panamum!

Solla koodadhadhu??
Pennidam ragasiyam!

Solla koodiyadhu??
Unmayin thathuvam!

Paarka koodadhadhu??
Pasiyum Panjamum!

Parthu rasipadhu?
kalaiyum Azhagum!

Kalaiyil chirandhadhu?
Innisai nadagam!

Nadagam enbadhu?
Nadippum paatum!

Paatukku?
Naradhan!

Veenaikki?
Vani!

Azhagukku?
Murugan!

Sollukku?
Agathiyan!

Villukku?
Vijayan!

Aasaikku?
Nee!

Arivukku?
Naan!!!

:)



You can enjoy this video here...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6510683475944848370

Long live Harry Potter!

Its over...its finally over. The stories of Harry Potter. Yes he's alive and he continues to be the 'Boy who lived', but theres no more new stories. And well I do feel a little sad and emotional about it. The very fact that I'm not gonna be able to wait in anticipation about wat mite happen to him next. It mite sound a little crazy, and to some it mite seem like its sooooo past our age to feel for sumthing like this, not to forget "its a teenager.. stories for young kids!!"But I sumhow have never really felt the books were just for kids, like most other adults reading and enjoying harry potter.
I started reading Potter when I was in my 2nd year of college, and until then I never used to read books just as much. Just after 12th grade, a friend of mine referred me to Harry Potter & the Philosopher's stone, and I tried reading it the first time, but really cudn't get past the first 3 chapters. I was like this is crazy... its for kids...11 year olds... I cant read books like that. (Not that I used to be a voracious reader then with a huge choice of books.) But I jus shunned the book and was a little surprised that this was one of the most famous books around the globe. And in fact my interest in books and the very habit of reading hit rock bottom after that. But in 2002 Dec, when my sis had come down to India for a vacation, she and my bil were extremely excited that they had found the 4 harry potter books outside Higginbothams for just 200 bucks. The pair of them gave me the books and demanded that I read the books and familiarize myself with the stories before my trip to the USA in summer 03. And well b'cos my bil had convinced me that I WAS missing sumthing in life if I dint read HP, I started with book 1. And I made sure I read the book till its very last page, without getting judgemental right after the first 3 chapters. I was a slow reader then and after wat seemed like a semester, I started off with book2. That one felt duller than book1. And after a bit of a struggle, I reached book 3 by which time I was already on my summer vacation in CA. But once I reached book 3, I began to adore the stories of this young boy wizard. I felt I was able to associate with small things in the books quite well then, espply the fact that u have this long this train journey to reach to Hogwarts, with the whole train packed with students (not unlike chennai central - TN express on 28/29th July every year), friends and jus friends doing everything for u and everything with u in a hostel/boarding skool. I felt closer to the books and closer to the characters in the books with time. And after book3, i guess there was just no looking back. Harry Potter had become one of those frequently discussed topics, over the dining table at my sister's (It still remains a central topic of discussion, along with LOTR and some thalaivar movies!!!), with wingies in the hostel, and one of the favourite topics of discussion in sky! :) And it felt like I could talk about books or atleast understand wat a person meant when they said they have a favourite book/ favourite author. It felt good.
And then I started re-reading all the Harry Potter-s. The first time u read the book, (actually any book for that matter), u read it fast just to know the story. Rowling spins the story around so well, u just want to know wat the hell is happening, and who in merlin's name is gonna die and how! But the second time u read the same book, u already know the story and thats when u start associating with the emotions involved amidst the different characters. U get closer to the characters in the book when u can imagine their emotions and feel atleast a little close to wat they feel in the book. The Potter movies have NEVERRR been able to do justice to that. The movies can concentrate only on the story line with sum stunning effects to show sum fantasy, because of the limitation of time. But the books are a LOTTTTTTT more than jus that. Theres no set limits to the words or to the imagination. Its the different emotions Harry, Ron and Hermione go thru ....relationships, loneliness, adoloscence, trust, faith, friendship, death, acceptance of people and truth as it is, and every small and huge thing in life. And every time I read and re-read Harry Potter, I'd find sumthing new striking me, I'd find a new theory and come up with a new hypothesis as to why Rowling was doing that to some main character. And I'd call my sister or some of my other Non-muggle friends and discuss their opinions of a certain theory.
The books have been such an important part of my life for the last 5 years or so. I've been caught in the Potter mania, creating a lot of it myself amidst my group of friends. And now when I c that theres gonna be no more of all that....no more of passionate frenzied discussions about this and that of Harry Potter, no more guessing the suspense the future books might hold, no more eagerly awaiting the stroke of midnite for a new book, no more enthusiastically putting a nite out for those huge hard cover books! I feel like its the end of a phase of my life or sumthing. It feels totally psenti :( Well, deflly I know the books can be read over and over again and the movies rewatched a million times (which is wat I will end up doing, I know), but the fact that the story-teller has spun the yarn and decided to call it done is a little difficult to accept. "And to you if you've stuck with Harry till the very end", she says, in the 7th dedication of the 7th book.

Well Thankyou J.K Rowling for creating a world like Harry Potter, for teaching kids to be imaginative, for helping adults kindle the child in them, for helping us relive memories and emotions that we have all been thru as kids... and thankyou more so for helping me and a lott like me, make reading an enjoyable habit. Thankyou for all your books, which will be read, re-read and read again and cherished forever!

Reminiscences of a childhood friend.

Even when I heard the news, I wasn't as shocked. I was like "Whattt?? watt the hell.. how did that really happen???" while my friends on the other line were almost choking, completely shocked. But later that afternoon when things started sinking in I was pretty upset. And today, a coupla days after the news has spread around...all those small things that count as memories seem to cloud my mind...those thots that were so insignificant then, seem to remind me soo much of all that we've shared as classmates, childhood friends, neighours etc. It feels horrible...despite the fact that we havent quite stayed in touch for more than 9-10 years.

Class 4: I still remember an english composition where we had to write something about how to polish our shoes. And in both sections of the class, ur style of writing and ur composition was thot to be the best. I still remember ur essay being read out to the whole batch of 72 students. U had written it as a scientific experiment with 'aim, apparatus reqd and procedure' which was considered VERY high standard for a kid of 8. Not to mention the teachers actually loved ur use of words and ur vocabulary and I still remember them commenting that u cud do wonders if only ur handwriting was a little more legible. I still remember being amused by it and talking to my mom about u. I guess ever since we had marked u as one of those absolutely brilliant kids in class.

Class 6/7: Your mom used to come to pick u up everyday from skool with your driver Kodandam. And I used to be given a ride almost everyy single day. The discussion I had with you about Mahanadi..seems to ring a bell rite now. U were like.." Mahanadi" is my favourite movie..(Aah...the way u usually talked - really fast, a little incoherent..it seems like yesterday!) and when I asked u why, u replied that it had 28 fight sequences with Kamal doing wonders in it. I jus thought u were such a git to like sumthing with so many fites. And of course u started off with ur passion for WWF and all those God-forsaken madcap wrestlers. Remember even having this discussion one day when we stopped at Adyar bakery for bit of a snack. Remember u laughing at me for not knowing wat a pizza was!!

Summer vacation every year, while I was your neighbour.. I used to come and raid ur library in your house. U had the best Enid Blyton collection I'd ever seen. I dont think any library in the besant nagar area had as many books as urs. And I remember hearing 2 words for the first time in my life - abominable & abhor - words that u used to describe your brother!! Ofcourse everyone knows how much u adored him calling him 'papa papa' every single minute, but i remember leaving ur house thinking "what the hell do those words mean?? How come ur vocabulary is sooo sound while ur just as old as me" and I still remember telling Kala and amma about it and they seconded my thots about how amazing u were in english. They were both like.."He's damn too brilliant. Sure IIT case"

Class 8: Goodd lord, its impossible to forget you in this year of my life. You and Sethu Sir...it was like a clash of the titans. U did all u cud to bug him and he did all he cud to pin u down. Remember him asking u to sit between Misha and me, as a punishment to your unruly behaviour in class. And still remember Misha and I drawing lines on that cramped table and defining territoriess!! Not to forget u had a hand in putting a cockroach on Radhika miss's chair when she came to class and calling her 'naathamandai"...remember u walkin to princi for that and coming back scoffing and feeling proud that u had amused the entire class. And then Krishna mam's talk - adoloscent counselling...how she laughed at us for being such kids. And then all of a sudden it was like we were adults and we had to think 'matured'. And the way we thought that the first sign of maturity was for gals and guys to go out for a movie together. All the planning we did at the "jungle-jym" with Jagatha miss eyeing on us every now and then. And finally all of us having to cancel that plan cos I guess parents dint permit sum of the kids! Still remember studying for project exams with u.. Ur sheer brilliance has always impressed me.

Class 12:Even though we were not in the same skool, I remember wondering that u'd surely make it to IIT. And when u din't, I remember all of us at home feeling sorry that it was jus hard luck. In our opinions u were one of those stud intelligent kids, and no matter how the results turned out, we always thot of u as iit material!!

I know there was a longg break and we dint pretty much stay in touch all thru college. But even when I met u 2 years back in the same driving class with Vicha, I remember we cud start off from where we left. It was amazing. And I still remember hitting my head with my hands and thinking..."aahhh hari, crazy as usual". Remember the driver saying u need to concentrate harder on the road in order to learn properly.

And now when I hear and realise that ur no more, it jus shocks me. All these thots seem to remind me of how much we all, the whole class, adored u for ur craziness, eccentricities, brilliance, ur behaviour, ur priceless imitations of PT and SethuSir, and for every small thing that made u YOU. You've left a deep impression in all of us, and although most of us may have never communicated that to u, we've loved u for every small thing. If I feel so shaken, i can imagine how horriblee ur family and ur first circle of friends mite be feeling. Lifes never gonna be the same for them without u. I simply pray that God gives them all the strength they need. And to you dear Hari Anand, may your soul rest in peace!

athiradeee kaaran...

A true Thalaivar fan cannot NOT whistle/scream/cheer when they c their superstar on screen. And well I being a hardcore Rajini fan, and sumone trained at the art of whistling (I don't care even if I brag about it..I know for a fact a lot of guys cudn't whistle..i mean 'seeti adikkardhu!!"), thats precisely wat I did when I saw the Boss for the 3rd time on screen on Saturday. And come on, thalaivar in the climax scene and the 'bajji kadai' scene ABSOULTELYYY rock. I mean the whole point of his flying in air for 2 mins and then landing on the ground, is only so that the fans can scream hysterically and cheer and worship him as he defies all laws of gravity! And I don't see any No-No's in displaying that passion and enthusiasm and excitement. But unfortunately not everyone in the theater felt the same way.. You expect people to realise that they are at a SuperStar's movie where ppl are bound to go craazzzyyyy (ofcourse within limits), and a lot of ppl infact pay to come to the theater and watch the crowd. However this time, and probably the first time in my life, I ended up having an argument with a pair of oldies in the theater.
I come out of the dark theater hall completely satisfied with my experience and I hear a pair of aunties (mite be 40-45) say... "Idhunga lam padikka varudha, velai panna varudha, illa whistle adikka varudhungala nnu therialai". I turned back to c who they were commenting about, and saw them looking at me with a kinda D look! I just walked out thinking..ok forget it. No point arguing here. I come out into the hallway, where the pair of them again give me the "look". I returned the D-look just as dutifully without saying a word...and walked out of the theater towards my car. My friends and I were standing outside discussing if it would be worth the experience to go for Sivaji in telugu, and after all the discussion, while my friends left, I saw the aunties inside. As I walked towards my car, I had this huge desire in me to go and talk to those aunties and find out wat their problem was in life. Honestly, I wudnt have cared if it were a bunch of guys jus passing a comment, but AUNTIES..mebbe a decade younger than my mom. I mean I REALLY wanted to know wat their purpose was in passing that comment.
So I wait for them to come outa the theater and confront them...

Me: Aunty, enna pathi edavdhu comment adicheengala??
Aunty/Aunties : Yen ammam..naanga edhuvum thappa sollaliye! What were u doing in the theater??
Me: Naan edhuvume pannaliye. I was jus sitting my place and whistling. And I was not the only one in the theater that did that!!
Aunty: Ya I know. But do u know the theaters a mess???
Me: Well, I dint tear any papers or fliers or anything. I was only sitting where I was and screaming and whistling.
Aunty (and now an uncle joins in..actually 2 uncles) : When u come for a movie, its a public place u should let the others watch the movie, not scream and shout.
Me: Aunty, neenga vandhirukardhu Superstar Rajini oda padam. Idhu oru youth movie. Inga vandhuttu whistle adikaadhey, kathadhey nna yaarum kekka maatanga!! Unga generation a yum enga generationa yum compare pannadheenga.

Inga daan seriaanaaaaaaa logic vuttaru andha uncleee...

Uncle: One second, This is the United States of America. People come to movies for some peace of mind. Do u scream like this at english movies???
Me: yes uncle, i do. At movies like Harry Potter and other youth movies I do. see peace of mind kku daan u have the comfort of watching the movie at home in a DVD. neenga public place kku vandhuttu adhuvum our youth padathukku vandhuttu kattadhey nnu sonna, its ridiculous. And well watever be it, those comments u passed were completely unwarranted.

Me to me: Yow, enda orru nyayam ya idhu...india la madras la thalaivar padathula whistle adikkalam thappu illa. Aana US of A la tamizh padathula whistle adicha thappu. Asingamaaana logic!! Theater nadatharavane onnum sollalai about the movie and the screaming...ivanga eppadi appidi oru comment pass pannalam!

Uncle: Illa..let me finish...
Me: Illa uncle, I dont think u need to finish what ur saying. Cos I dont think it matters or its gonna make any difference. Neenga solli its not gonna affect me in any way. ungalakku appidi comfort venumna veetla okkandhu padatha paarunga, velila vandhuttu ellarayum neenga expect pannara maadri nadakanum nnu expect panna deenga. And for hte last time, its a rajinikanth movie...

We ended the fite here and walked towards our respective cars. Meanwhile my friends came back wondering wat I was doing...and so did a lot of other students in the crowd, wondering why a GIRL was arguing like this..

Now honestly, I think the bigger problem was bcos I am a girl and I was whistling and screaming my lungs out. I dont think they would have bothered to pass a comment about all the guys that were in the theater doing the same thing that I did. But ponnu na panna koodadhu nnu avangaloda karuthu.. adhu yen?? I mean Im not here to justify an issue of gender bias or sumthing. And am not sumbody who goes about picking up an argument with every oldie I c..and not that i disrespect them, but the point that irritated me was when they said.. This is the US ofA..inga idhellam panna koodadhu!! Wat crap???? appidiye america naatu janathipathi ivanga lam!!

ennamo..thalaivar pera solli sandaye pottachu! orey adhiradee kaalam daan!! :) Avanga logic suthama sahikkalai..enna porutha varikkum naan pannadhula enda thappum illa! My only big wish...I wish they sit NEXT to me during dasavatharam/varanam aayiram or the next vijay movie, so I can show them how to whistle too!!
Jus found it very amusing!! :)

The ppl in me/Confusions ... and blah!

Been contemplating on this..
Every person I think has 2 different sides in him...the Romantic that feels with the heart and believes in doing wat the heart says and the Practical-ist that tries to think from the head and does according to wat is practically thot to be rite and wrong. Well dont immly look at me skeptically when I say 'romantic'. I'm obviously not referring to a love sick person running around trees or a person that cant keep away from the one he loves!!! I mean sumone that gives a lot of importance to emotions and does what he FEELS is right. He'd rather listen to his heart than his head. And the practicalist (That IS actually a word in dictionary.com!!), weighs out 'rationally' what should be done and should not, thinks several times b4 doing sumthing and does it only when he THINKS its fine to do it. I think these 2 sides make a person wat they really are. And as much as a fine balance of the 2 sides is needed in every individual, I personally think it is one of the hardest things in life to maintain that balance. I'm sure you've found urself in a situation with the 2 sides conflicting each other several times...and u ending up feeling wat is called 'confused', not knowing wat is the best thing to do!! Well atleast I've been in that situation, I dont know, like a zillion times mebbe. And everytime there is a conflict between the mind and the heart, I end up feeling like a confused idiot, a helpless person. How I come out of it is sumthing different...(either by talking to ppl or writing my diary or simply by praying for sanity!!) But as if this weren't enuff, sumtimes, the practicalist makes u think about a lot of other ppl (if it is a situation or decision involving other ppl), and u end up having to empathise for the other person/ppl as well. And that starts off a whole news series of problems.. about what u feel should be done, cos of wat YOU THINK is rite for u, and wat is expected outa u by the others. And well, sum ppl are lucky enuff to be able to say..No its jus Me..and wat I think and feel that matters... I dont care about wat the others feel/think...to hell with them. But if ur sumbody who gives a certain level of priority to others opinions (or atleast the ppl that matter), then its a huge conflict again! So in short its just a tuff life!! Ofcourse there are tonnes of solutions to every problem..and its jus about figuring it out. I agree. But it is the decision that makes life harder..and thats when the whole topic of "making choices", "being the better person" and all those kinda things seep in, along with the acceptance that life isnt always fair!

Well I know I started off on a different note, and I'm ending up on a completely variant thot altogether. Seems to make sense in my head...if it does to u as well, jus smile and move on (u cud leave a comment!!)...and if it doesnt, then forget it. its jus another rambling. (U can still leave a comment!!)

sarve jana sukhino bhavanthu

Last few weeks I've been thinking about the importance of the concept- "Sarve Jana Sukhino Bhavanthu"... meaning "Let all the people in the world be happy". When I was young I was always taught to say this one line at the end of every prayer...Pray for the happiness of others. But I never really had a chance to realise its significance. However, recently, I've had this situation where a lot of people in my life have been going thru real rough and stressful times, and I've been witnessing or listening to some of their problems. And well, although I'm pretty much having a smooth sail on my own, and although none of those worries affect me directly, I realized that I couldn't be very happy when ALL those close ppl were affected. Its like this...sometimes when u are cheerful, its not just nice, but also important to have another person receive that cheer and happiness from you and reciprocate in a similar manner. But when they are not in that position bcos of undue circumstances or situations, u feel not just empathetic but sumtimes sad too. And beyond a point u just personally want that person to be out of the problem and be all smiley and gay again. U wait for time to be the magic healer and start praying that they may be happy at the earliest...
So its true...sometimes for u to be happy, u DO need others around u to be fine and happy themselves...or atleast free of worries. The philosophy of Sarve Jana Sukhino Bhavanthu... or Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavanthu is indeed important.

:)

Am really happy for her!
I've heard her ramblings, her on n offs for several years now, the fights, the happy moments.
And even when she told me about it, the day the decision was made, or how it was made n how she felt, I dint feel quite as delighted as I feel today. Cos at some level I felt, she could do better. And well I hear that several people told her that. But today, when I see her, and hear her happiness, across from where I am, I feel really happy myself....more so bcos she seems so confident and so set upon it. Its amazing... shes been a kid in so many different things.. pampered....But as I see her today, I really want to admire her courage in taking the decision. I guess I couldn't do it if I were in the same position. It takes a whole lot of maturity and acceptance of situations and people. And talk about sticking to the decision and looking onto the future..its simply beautiful to c her do that.... shes looking forward to it with such enthusiasm and cheer, that it just brings a smile to my cheek and lots of warm thoughts in my head.
Lots of prayers that her happiness lasts for a lifetime....and so does mine! :)

Nostalgia

As sweet as its always been, all of a sudden it seems to prick me from deep within.
As much as I want to be back there and do all those things I cherished,
I realize its never gonna be the same again.
Really?? Thats impossible..it cant be gone forever.. I want to think..
But there r those deep silences which keep punching down the harshness of the reality in me.
And all of a sudden I realize..Good Lord, itll be such a void..devoid.
The nostalgia ....
And as I relive the times gone by, old and new..
I realize more n more that only time is my magic answer..
no..I dont mean to turn it back...
But I'm just waiting 'patiently impatient' for things and time to come by!

Dont blame me for being optimistic..
Im quite positive sumthings can never get over like that..
they are too many and too amazing to not have them back..
so there again..Im just waiting patiently impatient for things and time to come by!!

PS: 1. Do not try to make sense of this blog..Its for me!
2. Its 12.57 AM here!
3. Ive not attempted to write a poem or anything of the like here..its jus sum of my thots, but kinda masked..or so I like to think!

-Cheers-

Life's beautiful

Phew!! I just took a look at my previous posts..and my blogspot sounds damn too depressing to me! i think its about time i update this spot. Over the last month or so, Ive been wanting to blog about different topics..everytime Id start..but would lose enthu or would become busy...n so would jus let it be. Neways this one is jus a random one to change the mood or tone of my page..jus to remind myself that life is infact very beautiful- thats what ive been telling myself and feeling over the last month!

Lifes indeed beautiful - Acknowledgements..
Jan 20 - 8 am - sleepy thots - how the heck can one survive-walk in the cold?? - 'Surprise' - Raj, Lokesh, Shakthi - "vaaya saravana bhawan la poi saapdalam!!!" - dunkin donuts breakfast feast - lachcha - "bank la check deposit pannanum!!" - "hotel saravana bhawan" - lynden - car dealer - CARSS - "nee yen idha test drive panna koodadhu??" - test drive - hyundai accent 2000 model - "ennakku otta varuma??" - "nimmy slow va po...left turn edu, and ippo right..." - "i dint quite think ill be a part of a driving class too!! " - "ok vll take the car!!" - "Congrats on ur first car!!" - "WHATTTTTT???" - "All credit goes to Raj" - "saw car deals before coming to NJ - oru 60 - 70 cars paathruppen - liked this one - lokesh went from work yesterday and test drove it- was supposed to drive it and come - aana thot u shd see it urself..its ur first car nimmy!" - " learn to love ur car!" - "seriously WHATTTTT??" - bugs,amma,kala - "huhhhhh??? WHATTTTTT??? - sridhar - "huhhh...HUH!!! Sooperr ya!!" - sunday car pooja - bridgewater - nite drive to saravana bhawan - "aahaaa right edhu left edhu nnee therialaiye!!! "

Definitely the intentions are more valuable than the car itself. Thankx a tonne Raj for every thing in every small n big way. Thankyou Lokesh for all the practice driving over the summer and for test driving on the friday b4 THE saturday! :) thanx guyz.

Experience:
Learnt to do my first animal sacrifice in the name of science!! This was supposed to be a separate blog on its own...but as i said..lost enthu! Neways..i was horrified at the thot of having to 'sac' an animal...all thru the summer spent a lott of time pondering over if I could really do it..or could I give religion as an excuse?? after all in Hinduism, every animal...and particularly every lab animal is deified - mice, pigs.!!
I thought I had gotten used to the site of seeing and working with a bloddy carcass in front of me...and so infact was quite ok with the practice sessions..and the practice sac-ing.
But Feb 14, 2007 - valentines day..my third time with the sacing - I felt MISERABLEEE as i was killing those animals..ya i know its called "sacrifice" - oh but come on..death is death indeed watever u name it...i dont think i have cried so much in a whilee now..id sac a mouse and feel disgusteddddd with myself...would call my help line - 973-392-4312 - pour gallonsss - "I feel like a family member of mine is lying there in a blood pool!!" - come back feeling "ok its for science..its for mankind..its for science", would pop in some of those god - sent oreo biscuits, sac another mouse, loath myself for having chosen this field - would pep myself - sac another mouse and thats it..dial the hot line again!!!
God saved me that day!! Wont forget that day when I actually ate 27 oreo cookies...ya well chocolate and my friends do wonders to me in my life!!!

Anyways..no complaints wat-so-ever..getting used to it..haveta sac them...a post doc near me reminds me - " dontt say "im sorry" to those mice..u shd thank them for giving you the data that they r giving u..ur the first one to know about it..so thank them for that!"
neways..be it this logic..or the philosophy of the bhagavad gita which struck me the next day (b4 i had to sac 4 more mice) - "the Arjuna Factor " or " Karmanye Vadhikarasthe Ma Phaleshu Kadhachana, Karma Phala Hethur Bhur Mathe Sangosthava Karmani! - I think i will haveta get used to it..and Im quite positive I will... a post doc assures me .." trust me in 6 months..ull think anesthesia is waste of time..ull go in strait for cervical dislocation"
Thatttt..only time will tell .
(Lets not worry too much about some of the 'jargon' here - its to remind myself of my thots!!)

Another thot thats been in my head - I think its a really neat way to show urself Lifes beautiful!! A few days before valentines day - was reminded of mokshi - and her way of gifting herself for the 3rd year Valentines day. She'd made such a big hype in the wing about it ..like 3 days b4 val day or sumthing...and then 11 pm on val day..the wing saw the worlds uggliest bunny rabbit EVER!!! worth 200 buckss...not to forget she'd paid 10 bucks to gift wrap it ...jus to be opened by herself!! suddenly this episode struck me..and I personally think its one of the very beautiful ways to live...its a reminder to urself that u love urself..ur life, everything thats happening in it..and u want to treat uself cos ur happy about it. Either that...or ur having a not-so-grand period, and u want to tell urself that life aint all that bad afterall, or u want to treat or gift urself for having done sumthing huge....watever may be the reason..i think its a good sign..a healthy sign of living life!! So all of u whos reading this..find a reason to treat/pamper/gift urself..go spend that money and get urself sumthing precious n sumthing uve wanted for a long time!! :) its good n definitely worth it!!
Jus live and feel ur beautiful life!

choices

Last few days..Ive been having this question in my head..Why do we have situations in life where v haveta choose between two or more things v really want?? its really difficult to handle such things...i mean..its jus totally unfair. Whyy is it always "u cant bake the cake and eat it too" in most cases?? and over the last few days..or should i say few months...ive been having to make my choice...2 very difficult options posed ... a test of my priorities in life...and when i had to pick..it obviously was veryy very difficult..not jus for me but for the other ppl involved ..family n friends...and as unhappy as ive been that life is very unfair ...asking me to make choices...this is wat i read first thing in the morning

" In each ones life a moment comes when he has to choose between the Path and the muddle. You cannot put one foot here and one foot there. If you try to, you will be torn to pieces. A heart that does not choose is a heart that will die." - The Words of the Mother, Vol 14.

I guess thats how life is. You have very limited choices..sumtimes u get to make them urself...sumtimes they are made for u. Either ways u accept it as it is.

Thankyou Mother for those words of wisdom... an answer to some thots in my head. :) Pray that the others involved in the choices find peace. Love you always.

Ramblings..

honestly..its murphys law at its very best
lifes always very unfair just when ur begging it to become a ltl better!
cant wait for dm 07+10+02 to hopefully put things in order.
(easier to chek it here than my journal)

The order of the Phoenix

Last few weeks..espply the last 2 -3 days.. i feel like a phoenix. Dying - rising up...and dying again!! I guess stress does that to u! Damn the scientists (Brunet A et al. Science, 2004) that said that (mild??) stress causes increased longevity in organisms by trigerring stress resistance mediated by several pathways!! Well at this rate..i guess im gonna live really long!
Neways for all its worth..it is the order of the phoenix... u need to learn to rise up..and well ive deflly been trying to do that for the last few days..u need to learn to rise and to love urself...more importantly!! learn to cope with ur own self..expectations, deadlines, answers, questions, decisiveness, indecisiveness, blah blah!!!
am sure this blog is comprehendable only to me..and thats how its meant to be. so lets not try digging into the crap here.
And Im writing this blog, a day or 2 after the first preview of the 5th movie with the same title has come out. the movie is due 13th july 2007.
Neways...craziness rules!! confusion is the order of the day!! Live like a phoenix!! and home..here i come :)

oh god...not again !!

Jus when i thot i knew wat i wanted in life....ive been thrown off guard by 45 seconds of confusion!! (yep im pretty wierd!) Am beginning to get amused and worried at the same time..how do sum ppl REALLY know wat it is that they want? How do they say so assertively that this is wht they want to do..and well sum ppl even stick to it..i think thats absolutely amazing. but seriously HOWW do they do it??

Ive been going thru a whole load of stuff over the past 1 month, been pondering over things and decisions made over the last 1.5 years...and this time i really felt i knew wat i was doing...but bam!! sumthinng had to happen and jus throw me off my feet......makes me feel like a complete idiot..makes me get soo worked up about stuff..and there i sit down again trying to re-think wat it is that i want!! and i sit back n think...oh god! not again..please not another time of this doubtful indecisiveness!!! :( and this time, im as disappointed with myself as i was happy when i made the decision. so over the last 2 days..ive been trying to figure out the answer to the question...how do sum ppl really know wat it is that they want?? do they let time jus rule..and with time do they end up realising wat they want in life?? or do sum ppl jus grab it...and convince themselves that this is wat they waana do!! one of my friends felt that one never really knows wat it is..u jus haveta sumtimes work towards feeling glad about wat u have and feel happy about it..and eventually think that this is wat it is..or this was how it was meant to be...
either ways..i think ppl that really know wat they want...espply those that truly know within themselves and dont jus say so on the outside.. deserve to be admired and appreciated!! its amazing that they r so confident about wat they waana do....atleast in sumthing if not everything! and so as i spend moments thinking about this, i feel bad that im not there yet!! and i jus wait patiently impatient for things to dawn into me..i really hope the day breaks soon here!

(and while i actually tread thru these weak spots with time, i realize once again its my friends who are my pillars of support. and so even while i am going thru this self inflicted thot process, i really waana thank some of them for not jus lending an ear but also for being really supportive of me. Thanku..cant imagine carrying along so far without u folks!!)

anda naal nybagam nenjile vandhadhe nanbane..

Dedicated to those 4 years of PTM..

me: nanbane..bday update kodu!! :) priya raagangal la edavdhu onnu aavdhu swaram serndhudhha??? :P

JJ: priya raagangal-la onnu appapo srudhi saerudhu...
but most of the times... srudhi baedham dhaan... lots of pisiru !!!
idhu enna matter-nae puriya maataengaradhu !!!

me: sruthi bedham laam irukkardhu daan nalladhu....yenna thappana priya ragatha pudicha nnu vei..appo naraga sparisam daan.."sollunga dhaa" nnu nee sollikkite irukka vendi daan...nee enna daan irumbu kudhirai ya irundhaalum, paathu yosichu sruthi seru..illa nemesis daan!! "yen ivargal" ippadi irukeraargal? appdinu ponungla pathiyum priya raagangal pathiyum marupadiyum marupadiyum yosikka thonum..aana adhellam free a vittudu!! seri meendum sandhippom!!

aahaa..total nostalgia...sruthi bedham/naraga sparisam to yen ivargal..wat a wonderful journey it has been. i leave them here so i can look back at it and remind myself of those days.

my nervousness...

sumthing I jus emailed one of my friends today....

"Have u ever had to make a pretty huge decision in ur life.?? as in sumthing thats gonna determine ur life for the next few years atleast...and have u ever felt nervous about it??... lets say its a decision about a person and going and informing that person..have u felt nervous about it if ur making the rite decision or not??
went thru one of that jus a few hours back...ive been pretty confused abt which prof to choose as my mentor...had 2 options..both equally good..but pros n cons in both labs..so after several months of contemplation and decisiveness and undecisiveness .. i decided to choose the 2nd prof...and so today i wanted to inform him that i would like to work in his lab .... i walked in to his office to tell him Id like to choose him as my mentor...
and those 45-60 seconds while i was walkin to his office..i was sooo nervous..felt like one of my biggest decsions in my life...i doubt if ill be this nervous even when am gonna say yes to a guy or get married!!!!!
the feeling was kinda wierd..but priceless i shd say!!"

jus thot this is sumthing i waana remember for a long time to come..and decided to put it up here!

Thank God for my friends.....

Notes about me, myself...
Time: 2.42 am...jus a few (cranky!!)realisations that suddenly dawned into me...

I am a very "people's person". I'd rather be out with my worries than keep them to myself! Even if it means making another person lissen to everything....so from my crushes to self-introspection and self analysis..Id rather let my friends know...

Sometimes I go thru these self-analysis sprees...and in an attempt to be sumthing im not..id get a ltl worked up about it..and try to change...by when a swell friend would bring me back to sanity telling me theres no point getting so worked up...and after a few nice words from the friend (and a few chocolate pieces!!)..ill be like...Bloody hell, f**k it!

So this blog goes out as a dedication to those closest and dearest friends of mine, with whom Ive shared lots...and will continue to do so!

Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

- Rabindranath Tagore's Geetanjali

I remember reading this poem as a school kid...trying to analyze Tagore's depiction of India as a utopia. Well, when I read it in the 8th grade..it din't mean much to me, but now, over the past few days, this poem's been ringing in my head...espply the last few lines.... and I've been thinking a lot about India. I'm not the kinds who appears very patriotic on the outside...infact I'm quite sure none of my friends know that side of me...and I prefer not voicing it out to people....bcos the immediate reaction that ppl give me is..."oh yaa rite...u are sitting there in the US of A...and u talk about patriotism and coming back to India....who u kidding????? "Some are'nt this blatant..but they jus end up smiling to themselves and thinking...."ya here she is...am sure shes gonna get married to sumone there and end up living there the rest of her life!" So I'm pretty much closed up about what I think of India. But today, I really waana pen my thots down...mebbe im a ltl home sick & am jus longing to make a trip to India. Almost always it's only when u dont have sumthing that u've had for a really really long time, that u end up missing it. Its the same thing with staying away from the country... only when u stay far away from it, do u think a lott about it and think of the people there and feel concerned about it too.

During my stay in the USA for the last 2 years, I've had several opportunities to interact with ppl from different nationalities. Some seem to be happy to be out of their motherland and be in the land of opportunities, while there are a few others who want to learn the maximum possible from here so that they can use the experience & exposure when they go back home and work there. Over the last month and a half, I've been working in a Japanese lab and have been in close association with Japanese scientists and researchers. And I've honestly been very impressed and definitely inspired by them. Most of them seem very patriotic and conscientious of their responsiblities to their own country. It actually is a great pleasure to meet and work with people like them. They take real pride in everything thats their own, from cars to reagents and protocols used in the lab. They simply like & trust anything n everything thats Japanese..its quite amazing.
Anyways.. Im not writing this blog to simply pen down how patriotic the Japanese or other nationals are. But what has triggered me to think about this is a simple conversation I had today with a postdoc in the lab. We were talking about airlines and flights and travel deals to go back home...and he was telling me (obviously with a lot of pride) about Japanese airlines.. that they have special deals and their service is classy... And when he asked me about airlines of Indian origin that operate internationally...and why they dont give us the best of deals or why their service isn't of the best quality.. I had very few words to say. All through the dicussion I just wished I could do something about it. Why is it that India lacks a good international airline, despite a large portion of her population flying to/from different countries? That was the smaller picture. On the larger note, I had this raging desire...Why can't our country be the best in something....in anything, but atleastt Something... And well I must point it out here...this desire or thot was NOTT one of accusation about the country...but one of a strong aspiration out of concern. As I said..I reallly wished I could do something about it. I felt as if I should jus go back home to India the very minute and start a world class airline!!!!!
The more I think on the same lines about India... the more I realise that there's soo much one can actually do for her, to make her one of the best. Be it education, science, defense or pharma n bio research...theres soo much that can possibly be done. I think the more important question is how many people are willing to do it and how many CAN do it. Even if most of us , if not all, realise that we owe the country a lottt....considering we've had atleast 21 years of education from her... then that can help us focus better, with respect to our careers and priorities. Offlate, there are a lot of people who have realised that and want to go down to India and do their best with the knowledge they've gained abroad...and Ive learnt that there are some organizations which help such ppl focus too and also give them ideas about what they can do and how they can do it...
Neways...I'm hoping this blog remains as a reminder to my own self, about my ambitions....about those raging desires and aspirations. I shall strive to fulfill it and hopefully I will.

Give it a thought...

Dedicated specially to the bitsian fraternity of smokers:

Note/Disclaimer: This post contains some technical details that could really help make a healthier you. A lot of the scientific details have been taken from different websites and papers. I don't claim any of the scientific information or pictures as my own. As this is just a blog...and not a technical paper written for school, I havent listed all of them out as references!

Definition: "A cigarette is a euphemism for a cleverly crafted product that delivers just the right amount of nicotine to keep its user addicted for life before killing the person.'' World Health Organization director-general Gro Harlem Brundtland.

Cigarettes have always been something that have completely annoyed me. ..the very smell just puts me off, not to forget the wheezing and coughing I'm almost immediately subject to when someone smokes around me. And beyond a point it turns into a splitting headache, by when I actually lose it completelyyyy and end up either sulking or screaming or getting totallyyy pissed. But well, quite ironically, most of my friends smoke...even those reallly close ones whom you know will understand if you yell at them for their disgraceful habit. Tried as I have over the last 4-5 years to convince them to quit, it hasnt been quite successful. I've tried everything a person could possibly do....advice them, caution them, scream/yell at them, throw a fit, walk away with a cold face,and to some...Ive even broken down in tears asking them to quit....but as I said, they havent been received very well. So with time, I've become accustomed to their habit and have also learned to like my friends just the same. And heck..they are my friends (which is why Ive been begging them in the first place!!)..but come on..Im sure they have their own justifications for doing what they are doing. And I know it can get really annoying if someone is at your back all the time telling you what is right and wrong. So as I said, Ive just learnt to remain silent and have got used to their habit.
However, over the last one year as a grad student in a PhD program, there have been these courses and lectures covering the different ill-effects of smoking, and I've had several chances to reflect upon the damage cigarettes and smoking beget. In this post, I have attempted to list some of them. I think every smoker should know what they are doing to themselves...to every single part of their body, and then decide if thats the value they have for their own life and health.

Disclaimer: I'm not writing this blog in an attempt to convince anyone to quit....although it'd do you a whole world of good, and me a lot of happiness, either directly or indirectly, if you did.

CANCER: Cancer cures smoking! (No..I havent written that wrong..jus re-read it.) Almost everyone is just aware of the fact that lung cancer is predominantly caused by smoking. Not many know that smoking is a major cause of several other cancers, including larynx (voice box), oral cavity, pharynx (throat), and esophagus, and is a contributing cause in the development of cancers of the bladder, pancreas, liver, uterine cervix, kidney, stomach, colon and rectum, and some leukemias (blood cells).
87% of lung cancer is caused by smoking and is the leading cause of cancer deaths in men and women alike. Its difficult to detect at the early treatable stages, but its a disease that can be largely prevented. I just found a good pic online with the caption "Healthy lung vs smokers lung. You decide."


Here are a few others... (they might look a little scary..but as I said..a smoker MUST know all that the body is put to simply bcos of inhaling smoke off the cancer sticks.) This one I really want to state the website..
http://freehosting.tomaweb.com/QuitSmoking/scarystuff.htm
The first picture is that of a neck tumor caused by excessive smoking, where the cancer can spread from the lungs to the neck. The second is an X-ray which shows how it can happen, and the third is the image of a person with oral cancer.





If a person stops smoking, the risk of lung cancer reduces drastically. Yearly the abnormal cancerous cells are replaced by normal cells. 'After 10 years, the risk drops to a level that is one-third to one-half of the risk for people who continue smoking.

HEART: Please visit http://www.quitsmokingsupport.com/heart.htm when you get a chance. It does not have any scary pics ( I guess..), but has a lot of scientific details that make a good read, espply if you are interested in your heart and its healthy functioning.

Within minutes of inhaling cigarette smoke, the heart rate begins to rise, almost by 30% in the first 10 minutes. It raises the blood pressure and causes the heart to work harder to pump blood to the rest of the body. Smoking also increases the blood cholesterol levels and makes the arterial walls sticky. In Australia, government health campaigns use TV images of fatty deposits being squeezed out from an aorta (VERYYYY important artery in the human body, that carries pure blood or oxygenated blood to the rest of the body). Smoking causes fat to be deposited in the walls of the aorta to an extent that it can clog it up entirely. So when a person consumes food or a dish rich in fat, what would otherwise be not very unhealthy to a normal non-smoker, becomes catastrophic when the person is a smoker.
Below is the pic of fatty deposits being squuezed out of the aorta of a 33 year old smoker, who used to smoke since he was 23. The red tube like structure is the aorta.



So if you are in your 20's and are a smoker, and if you think, you can consider quitting later on in your life, cos now you are just too young to quit...afterall you jus started...you might want to reconsider the thought. I dont intend being pessimistic, but I think its important to know this instead of being regretful later. The nice thing is that its never too late to quit. So go ahead and use your common sense and do the thing that seems more logical.

Smoking also causes the blood to become more sticky (by causing raised fibrinogen levels and platelet counts). Carbon monoxide (CO) which is one of 4000 different toxic compounds identified in tobacco and tobacco products, reduces the ability of blood to carry oxygen, reducing the amount of oxygen available to the tissues. All these contribute to a smoker developing atherosclerosis, a condition where an artery carrying blood becomes blocked or narrowed 'cos of fat deposition. This causes lesser blood flow and as the atherosclerotic plaque progresses a clot or an occlusive thrombus can develop, which can lead to a fatal heart attack or myocardial infarction. In some cases, the clot can undergo 'embolism' and migrate to the brain, blocking blood flow to the brain and thus lead to a stroke or cerebral thrombosis. In some smokers, a condition called aneurysm can also develop, which is the ballooning of the arterial wall with an increased risk of bursting/clotting leading to catastrophic results.
To those folks interested in cardiovascular research: 'Smokers are very much more likely to die from a ruptured aneurysm of the abdominal aorta than non-smokers'.
Some statistical details I found interesting...check 'em out..espply the second one.

"One cigarette can impair circulation for up to 45 minutes by constricting the small blood vessels. (The narrow vessels in the feet are particularly vulnerable to the damaging effects). (Hara Podiatrist Group, Covina, Ca., Prevention magazine, Dec. 1987)"

"In the winter, smokers may be at an increased risk of heart disease due to higher blood pressure and heart rate, say researchers in Israel. Although winter blood pressure readings are typically higher for most people, in smokers the average increase in systolic blood pressure was twice the increase in non-smokers. (“Cold Weather Raises Heart Risk for Smokers,” heartinfo.org - June 2001)"

OTHER ORGANS: As I was surfing the net for the ill-effects caused by smoking, I came across this really scary disease, that most people dont know. And I thought I should list it down here... I know it is quite a lot of technical jargon, but if you've read thru till here..I'm hoping youll be interested in knowing more about the damages cigarettes cause..and so I hope you wont mind the technical details.
Thromboangiitis Obliterans (Buerger's disease). This is a peripheral vascular disease caused by heavy cigarette smoking. It involves an inflammatory condition of small vessels that leads to blocking of the arteries and the gangrene. It is a disease caused in young males(20-40) who are heavy smokers. Offlate, however women have also been found to aquire the disease. This disease is most common in the Orient, South east Asia, India, and the middle east. The disease is characterized by excessive pain caused by insufficient blood flow to the extremities of the hands and feet, leading to numbness and tingling sensation resulting in amputation of the limbs.

http://vasculitis.med.jhu.edu/typesof/buergers.html - This is where you can find lots of info on the disease. Here are some pics (again, might be scary!)





Apart from these, smoking causes diseases like bronchitis, emphysema, severe pneumonia. Tobacco is also a teratogen (a substance known to cause detrimental effects in the development of a baby), and has damaging effects on a woman's reproductive health...being associated with increased risk of miscarriage, premature delivery, still birth and infant death. Also, cigarette smoking causes impotency apart from affecting the beauty & looks of a person by causing darkening of lips and teeth, increased wrinkles, increased features of aging, etc.

So all of you smokers out there.. think, and think well. Is it worth soo much torture?..the smoking that is done, jus outa peer pressure, or jus to act cool or jus to impress ppl, or jus for the heck of it.. You might have started with a reason, a reason that seemed perfectly justifiable to you, but now you have more than 1 health reason to quit. This blog is just a small description of the real damage smoking does to you, but theres definitely a LOTT more to it...simply giving key words like "damage/ill effects caused by smoking" etc on search engines like google gives tonnes of information. So read up and see what you are doing to yourself and then decide if this is what you really want to do. Reason out rationally and do what is healthy and what is right.

PS: I individually thank every one of you, who've read this blog till here! Thanx guys!

Sarvam samarpanam..

To the One I trust more than anything else..

Dearest,
I look back and think about all that You have helped me do for the last 10 - 15 years of my life. In every stage of my life...every success and failure, I have felt Your presence..and am sure I will continue to do so. You have been really kind and loving and I waana thankyou for every bit I've experienced... everything that has ever happened to me in the world...both good and bad. Jus the mere thought that You are there..."sarvam samarpanam" ..keeps me alive and kicking....

Hope to be always indebted to You, so I can NEVER forget You, or NEVER feel ur not there. Love you always!

Charanam Prapadhye!